What does a punk have to do to be part of the world? How does a young person with an extreme wish for freedom fit in a capitalistic society? And how do you master your life without a navigation system aka how do you live without a plan?

I wondered: was love really all that gives life reason? 

Based on actual real things happening in my life, the conversation in my brain is real.

Click here to get to the newest column

Trigger warning: Suicide

Look at my bookstore here

One Wednesday

Apparently, you definitely do need to have an Esta at least three days before your flight to the USA. So I stayed one night in Frankfurt in a hotel.

I met a bunch of strangers there. I love meeting strangers, it is the most romance you can get, the epitome of romance. Every single one was American, what are the odds? I thought the universe was preparing me for my big love, whom I will meet in Boston, of course. Turns out it was not that surprising at all, since from Frankfurt there is an entire Gate dedicated to American planes. It seems like Frankfurt is little USA.

Later that night in Frankfurt I was looking in my eyes in the mirror of a strangers hotel room and laughed. Remembering how my mom used to say: “Just because they say they have sweets does not mean, they have sweets, don`t ever follow a stranger anywhere.” But Mom, they had weed.

But I guess that was just one another of my impulsive decisions. I am famous for those especially when they are weed related. This whole trip was an impulsive decision.

Did you ever piss off like 6 people at the same time, layed 8 fires and opened 6 boxes in 4 weeks and now have to keep your phone on silent so these little fires don`t become uncontrollable wildfires?

That’s why I am leaving. We remember my plan to work in nursing again for two months, to have enough money for Rome. What a surprise, I was not able to “just stick with it” and I did cancel my trip to Rome. Two days back in nursing and I literally wanted to kill myself. Three days and my stomach wanted to kill me, one week and my entire body was aching, my brain burning and my skin melting. Not to be dramatic or anything but I truly believe that working makes you sick.

It drains you from the last reason to be alive, takes your last hope and makes you hate humans with a passion.

I am an artist, God dammit. I fucking hate hierarchy, I fucking hate being told what to do and I fucking hate listening to anything or anyone else than my heart. I decided after two weeks, the entire world can suck my hypothetic, hairy balls, I will do what I want from now on and the money part and everything else will figure itself out.

Enough with the work talk, it`s boring.

We have been flying for a total of 4 hours and I woke up from a nap, so good, my face was all wrinkly.

Food was served and I wondered, what kind of a fucking idiot serves cauliflower on a plane? The next 6 hours flight continued with farts and smells.

I rubbed my eyes, as that is the way to go after a nap, when suddenly this sharp pain in my chest started. Taking my breath away, I closed my eyes. Memories came up. Memories of lost love, from one second to the other I grieved.

I grieved all the love I lost. Love cannot really get lost, it can change though and you have to grief the change. Since change is a symbolism of death. Scared of being forgotten, by whom I once loved the most, all I could think of was: Think of me every once in a while, don`t forget me.

My eyes watered, I let my gaze fall out of the window. While looking at miles of ocean, hope started. I thought if I would take this pain out of my chest and throw it in the ocean, the ocean wouldn`t even notice.

The ocean would take it in, with a warm embrace, kiss me on the cheek and wipe away my tears. The ocean would never leave me alone, neither does the wind, neither does fire or the earth. Nature holds me and weighs me, makes sure I feel comfortable, and nature would never forget me or abandon me. Everyone fucking leaves these days, but nature doesn’t, faith doesn’t, hope doesn’t. If I could give this pain to the ocean, it would carry it away, this horrible pain of feeling forgotten, of feeling lost. This pain of not having a home and probably not finding one any time soon. I am trying to find a home, I swear, I am trying so hard, my entire being is striving, yearning for a home, that is why I am here in Boston in the first place. Maybe this is where I left my heart.

I love you. I didn`t know how to tell you, but I do.

Going to Boston has been my dream since I was a little girl, so being here really is a dream come true.

These last three weeks I was laser focused on finding someone I want to spent my life with, someone I could call home. Main Quest: Find someone who marries you on the spot, so you never have to be alone again a single second of your life anymore.

Don`t get me wrong, I love being free, I love being single but I fucking hate being alone. I fucking hate waking up in empty beds. And whenever I think I found someone, they leave, or they let me go or it`s just about Sex. It`s never what it was supposed to be.

What I love about sex is the way somebody holds you in their arms, the way they breathe down your neck, the way their eyes gaze over your body, the way how for just one night loneliness disappears into beer and orgasms. All wrapped in cellophane you fall asleep.

I hate this feeling of loneliness so much, I end up in a strangers bed on a regular basis.

Then there is the comebacks to people you once loved and there are the times you land in someone’s bed yet another time. But there is never the one that stays, that doesn’t let me go.

To wrap this up, my heart is still aching. Sitting here writing praying he thinks of me every now and then. Not knowing who he is supposed to be.

Not knowing who this person is, my heart is yearning for, but there is a yearning. Some time ago I was getting some coffee with my aunt, who has checked out my future with different mediums many times (a bit over the top, I know). We talked about boys and suddenly she said: “Yeah, your future husband he is American and strong. AMK said, there is an American man in your future.” My heart dropped, I never told anyone about this dream of mine to find my long lost love in Boston, it was my secret. Even though now, nothing in my life is a secret anymore, I post everything on this website.

But there was my aunt, just knowing. After that I talked to my mom, who is clairvoyant. She sees someone in my future too. American, strong arms, blonde. My queer ass was shocked as hell and obviously feeing into delusions some more. Eat up delusions.

So, I guess 13 year old Chiara must have had this dream for a reason and now I am sitting here in Boston, not taking any control and fully surrendering to the universe. Since I know that whatever is meant to happen will happen and things are outside of my control. I have the power over my decisions, but I do not have the control. Yet if nothing happens on this trip, I better get to a clinic, because something must be wrong with me in that case. I must be up on some schizophrenia shit, cause these delusions feel real as fuck.

Gonna get some weed now, ciao, a la prossima.

One week later

I think America is trying to kill me.

On Thursday I spent the entire day at the ER, thinking I was `bout to die.

When I was on my way home, drowsy from the fever and from not having eaten a single thing the entire day I had an epiphany:

I am not looking for love, love is looking for me.

Love is checking every corner, every store, every bar where I might be. Love is hunting me around town, catching little glimpses of me until it can finally rest in my arms. Love is turning around every stone, love is twisting and climbing mountains to see where I might be. Love is chasing me, not the other way around.

Don`t ask me how that epiphany came about while I was on my way home from the ER, but it came about. Love is looking for me.

I don`t have to worry, I just have to do what I do best: be alive.

The other day, I was strutting down North End, when the sudden urge to smoke some weed appeared. I entered a little park right at the end of North End and saw a women roughly my age smoking weed.

I don`t like smoking alone too much, so I went over and started talking to her.

Cut to two days later, we hang out all the time and have great fun. Weed really is a door opener. Legit all I said to her was: “hey can I smoke weed with you?”

So listen, I`m not tryna encourage you to smoke but maybe if you wanna have friends and be cool try it every now and than.

Interestingly enough, it was the first of July. Independence Day in America. Oh, how I love `Murcia. The fireworks, people the fucking fireworks, okay.

Believe me or not but these fireworks where legit the best fireworks I have ever seen in my life. They were huge and red and everything was America themed. I mean how do you america theme fucking fireworks?

These babies were red and white and blue and sprinkled, I was impressed.

 It turned out that this will be the turning moment for the main character, the moment where the main character (me) catches new hope and prosperity and realizes that this life is a fucking shit show. But it`s my fucking shit show.

In our twenties life changes so fast, you cannot possibly know or remember who you are. You are not the same person you were when you had lunch and you definitely will not be the same person at dinner. New hair, new me, new Job, new life, new friends, new countries. And that is good. Don`t hold onto past versions of you, let that shit go.

I heard that things slow down once you get to thirty and by forty you are supposedly going backwards but I don`t believe a single word of it. People just become more lazy as they get old, since things don`t feel as easy anymore. Things do not get slower, the human wants to slow down. It`s still the same fucking shit show. But it`s your goddamn fucking shit show.

Some days later, I made another friend right in the comfort of my own hostel.

“Do you want to smoke?” I asked them. “It would be an honor.” They awnsered. Cut to one day later and we sit at a fucking Red Sox game. Best. Fucking. Experience.

The Red Sox won (as they should) and we let the evening go with some drinks and some late night pasta.

Today, on Wednesday I finally went to Salem.

It was a one hour ferry ride from Boston to Salem and I took the best nap ever on that boat. I managed to find my way to a mall in Salem downtown in a café where I am sitting right now to write my column.

I gotta tell you, I didn`t find my big love yet and yes when I think of it I have to cry. What I did find though is myself, friendship, compassion, understanding, comedy and yes even love.

So what the fuck am I going outside looking for love, when you are looking for love look within. Since you know, I am the girl that walks around town looking at flowers, looking at bumblebees. Enjoying and taking life one at a time. I laugh at strangers and play with kids, look at every dog and count the dogs I see. I am the love I am looking for. What am I doing waiting for a fucking guy?

I got a Tarot Reading today. I read other peoples tarot too, so I love a good tarot reading. She said I protect myself too much, I can be sure in my power and let go of control. She said there is love and greatness and my big great love coming in with options even and all I need is patience.

After she read my tarot the tears got to me.

I left the store as my eyes watered up,  put on my sunglasses and walked faster to a little tree where I broke down crying.

I cried and cried and cried. The crying felt so good. I am free.

Suicide thoughts and plans have been a recent thing in my brain lately.

I felt as if it just doesn`t make any sense to continue living, was even pretty sober about it. It just felt like my time has come. The world is a mess and I will never be seen for who I am. Coming in this woman with her tarot cards, telling me that if I have just a little bit of faith, everything will be better than amazing. There goes another epiphany.

 I thought: “I don`t have to die, there is prosperity, there is future, there is hope. This broken part in me that has been hurting so bad, it is healing, it is growing back together. I just have to give it a minute to actually feel the healing.” It all came to me in one sitting like cleaning my window the bad thoughts jumped out. “I have done the work, I planted the seed, many things have happened, already. I am proud of myself. I have the self esteem, I have the love, I have the unbreakable will. All I need is patience and a deep, deep breath. Everything is perfect.” 

Well, welcome to the manic ride I call life.

I have no idea what I`m gonna do tomorrow.

How exciting.

One week later

Logan Airport. Boston. Friday, the 12th of July. 12:21

Gate has not opened yet. I sit here in the waiting hall. Things are good. I have smoked one joint and ate one edible. Captain, do you copy? Captain?

Over.

Copy. Over.

Captain, thank god. I thought something happened. Over.

All is good. Over.

Where did my fear go?

…

Over.

Why should I know? Over.

Captain, the gate opens at 2 pm. It currently is 2 hours before that and I have been here for 2 hours in total. One person has been suspicious of me and two people moved away `cause I was smoking. I still have so much weed and do not know what to do with it. Should have given it to Desiree.

Over.

She would have liked that. Over.

Two different Cody`s have just been called out. I feel like they just say random names in those microphones.

I cried 3 times. Two times in New York on the sidewalk and one time in Boston sitting in front of a restaurant. I love America. You can just cry and no one gives a fuck. I can do what I want until someone stops me. But if you are being stopped. Run.

It`s a very sexist place.

I found that to be quite true. Man and Women have a weird connection here. Not necessarily friendly.

Also a very racist place.

I thought it was very open and very divers. I did not get in contact with any racist, so far to say. I think in Boston racism has no space. No place to grow. It get suffocated in it`s core.

I am guessing, you liked Boston.

Over.

Captain, I loved it. It was the literal best thing I have ever went to. Loved every second with it. Miss it already, want to get back as fast as I can.

You have been crying quite some times.

I found me Captain and quite literally, I also found you.

You finally managed to get a narrator voice. But why Captain?

Why would I know? I did not give you that name.

Captain.

So when yesterday you got lost in New York, you really effortlessly gave into the universe. Did not even get scared, you just followed around. You saw Brooklyn, the Hudson River from both sides, went to Times Square three times, smoked on the sidewalk many times, went to Manhattan and got a bunch of merchandise.

Sounds like a good fucking time.

You always have a good fucking time. You might not realize it but when you look back you will see. You know how to have fun.

Captain, are you flirting with me?

No.

Over.

Got some white sneakers.

So you look more American?

Jup.

Nerd.

Over.

Time will not pass.

Frankfurt, main Station, Saturday 10:09

I have successfully made it to Germany and have checked my bank account. Big mistake.

I manuvered myself into 6.000 Euros of Credit Card debts. Successfully. How am I gonna maneuver myself out of that? Getting a normal Job is not an option, since it drives me into a hardcore burnout every time. I cannot heal from that shit again. Ignoring it is not an option too. Not spending any money anymore is the plan. Living with my parents again, doing small jobs. More books. Maybe I can find a writers Job in America. I will send my column to some newspapers in America and apply for jobs that involve writing and writing only. Maybe it will magically work out. I will send my book to literary agencies in the USA and try to live the American dream. I am tired am I not? Fucking awfully tired. I have great ideas but they all go to waste. I feel like I could change but I could not. Changing again, desperatly chasing what I believe to be true. I am dead end broke. Never in my life have I been this broke. Maybe selling drugs would be an option. Maybe I could sell a kidney, my soul or perhaps my first born?

Captain, how is it going?

Over.

Very well, thank you.

Are you worried about our credit card debts?

Not at all.

I feel like I have no prosperity.

No where to go? You feel like this all the time.

Shall the curse of the evil gods hit whoever crosses me.

How was New York?

Fucking great.

Did you feel the American Dream?

Not really. I feel as if my heart is broken.

Your heart has been broken for some time now. You are still fixing it.

How dramatic.

How dramatic.

Over.

Captain, what if I just die?

I would miss you.

But why continue living? For what? It was my dream to go to Boston, done that. It was my dream to write a book, done that. It was my dream to be who I am right now. Now that I have achieved everything, why continue living? My big love isn’t gonna come around the corner like fucking Prince Charming to save me from my sad, broke, living over my expanses life. So for what should I continue living?

To spend a little more time with your niece. To cuddle your dog another time, to sit on the porch smoking some weed while looking at the clouds. To spend some more time with your friends, with your family. To be suprised by life yet another time.

Look Chiara, I know how you feel, you are not the first person to have this problem and you will certainly not be the last.

It just feels so useless, I cannot get out of this debt without having a burnout again.

So you`re gonna die at 90 with horrendous credit card depts. Do not believe money is what makes your life worthwhile. Do not believe your picture of self is limited.

I think about him all the time and when I think of him I have to cry. I think of all the fun we had hanging around with eachother, how nice it was to watch movies with him and to look in his eyes. God I fucking love his eyes.

You are going to be in Stuttgart for some time, you could give it another shot.

I can`t Captain, you know that.

Why?

Cause there are people out there who treat me better.

Like who?

Like me.

I think he is great, I like him. Do you go out there trying to find someone who is perfect? You believe these days anybody got no luggage? You just need to find someone who`s luggage fits your luggage in a way where you help eachother heal. Show him that you are still interested and see what is to come. What happened with you being polyamorous?

Everyone is poly these days.

Sounds like a party to me.

Over.

I just fucking cannot right now, what am I gonna do?

You take a deep breathe and another one and another one.  Do you believe in your writing skills?

Of course.

So proof it. Show me how much of a writer you are. You do know that you can make money with this? You do know that this column, your books, your art will grow into something really exciting and huge. Let the universe carry you and finish those book drafts. Don`t give up on sending queries. Focus on English writing, it suits you better. Trust me Americans fucking love you. Germany is too small for you, there is no place for you to grow. So is Italy. Your words don`t really affect them. You need a cheap place to live and you need to get into writing. Check out some more study courses and chase your dream.

What dream?

Of being successful in yourself. You know, nothing can shake you but yourself. Stay in lane brother, don`t forget who you are. Make a spell and do those book drafts. Do that the whole day. Apply, query, show them that you are there. Someone and shall they be as small as they can be will see you and bring you out there into the sun. You gotta put yourself out there and show what you can do. Fuck nursing, fuck all those jobs. Be a writer, show what you can do.

I am so fucking tired captain.

Well get used to it, a writer works at night. Follow us around, we got you and Chiara?

Yes Captain?

Travel yourself in some more debts, money spend on vacation is money invested.

Frankfurt, main station 12:31

I don`t know. I have so many responsibilities. I cannot possibly. Captain

Yes you can.

When will it be over?

Never. Kid you just gotta stick with it for a while. I know you are tired but it does not change a single thing.

I just don`t want to anymore. Why can I not leave this life when I want to?

Shut the fuck up man. You just need to have a little drink with your friends, have someone kiss your forehead and cuddle you to sleep. You can`t die because you are so close to something beautiful.

Just let me go Captain, let me go.

Never. For you I would bleed myself dry.

Wow, Coldplay fan?

Everyone is a fucking Coldplay fan. You are getting on my nerves. You are just tired and need a nap and some down time. You just got back from America and responsibilities jump in now. Maybe you should not have gone back to contact so fast.

But I felt lonely.

Yeah, WhatsApp is not gonna fix that feeling, neither is instagram or TikTok.

So what is gonna help?

Nothing, you gotta be okay with feeling lonely for some time until you don`t anymore. It`s not the end of the world.

Oh God, how much I would love it to be the end of the world.

Tuesday, 16th July 10:44, Musberg

I have to leave Captain, I cannot stay anymore Captain. There is no space for me here Captain.

What happened?

I cannot get a fucking single second here, my parents pick on me whenever they get the chance to. Expect me to be perfect all the time. I cannot stay here.

What if you stop taking these two so serious? Just so you would have a place to stay?

I would rather be under a bridge right now. The longer I am here, the worse my mental health gets.

They will be off on vacation soon. How about you go to a friend for some days?

I guess. I feel so motherfucking alone Captain. It`s too much. I have to die, this is not going anywhere.

Please, take a breath. I know how you are feeling and I understand it, take a deep breath.

It`s not fair. God has forgotten about me.

No, she hasn`t. God is working hard for you.

I don`t feel any of that, I just feel like a failure.

Take a deep breath.

11:55

Captain, oh Captain. Somebody fucking kill me please, will this ever be good?

Maybe you have to get out again? Did you think of just packing your bags and leaving?

Of course I thought of that. I want to go to America by train with my dog or anyhow, I just want to go back to Boston as fast as I can.

But?

I have 4 thousand Euros depts.

Well, that was 6 thousand two days ago. Way to go!

I am trapped right here where I am.

No you are not.

Yes I am.

You feel trapped but trust me you are not.

How can I get out of here?

Do some more art, you will be suprised what comes out of it if you stick with it.

This has never worked, people don`t want to pay for art, they don`t like paying their artists. They want everything for free.

Except for the ones that pay absurd high amounts for it. Take a deep breath. Trust me, soon you will be out of here and never look back again.

One week later

Thursday, the 18^th of July, 00:24

Oh Captain, my Captain.

What is up Chiara?

I saw him today; Captain I fear I have to let him go.

Why?

I am not good for him.

Surely that is his job to decide.

We cannot be together Captain.

Why not?

I have no idea where I am gonna be and long distance is not an option.

Oh, you kids love to break your own heart.

Why can`t I just let him go, let him move on, fall in love with someone new?

Maybe because you love him and maybe, because that is absolutely normal.

But he says he wants me to fall in love and have a new life.

He is lying. He wants a clear sign that you are out of his life, he has trouble letting you go. His heart wants you closer, his head wants you farther away. So very normal.

I want to start again in a new city, blank paper, new start.

But?

I don`t want to go alone. I don`t want to leave Stuttgart by myself.

And you dream of him moving with you?

Obviously.

Well. You do not have control over that, not even a single bit of control. That is his choice to make and any manipulation you put in there is toxic. All you can do is offer.

I like him Captain, he is so pretty, and I want him to hold me.

He is very pretty. Why do you not want to let him go?

Because he has never shown any signs of actually being bad for me.

It is as if, he is perfect, and you are crazy, so you have to prove to yourself that you are the problem?

Yes.

Sound familiar?

Yes.

Do you want to talk about your parents for a second?

No.

Do you want to talk about Jesus, our lord and savior?

Sure, captain.

Jesus had a wife, Maria Magdalena, and she inspired Jesus so greatly that even his theory of loving one another unconditionally was actually her theory. She wrote stories and was very much of an artist.

Why did she not get crucified and celebrated as a hero? Was the time specifically sexist?

The time yes, the place not so much. Women were actually the head of the family and protected them from harm, the men were more or less there for the heavy housework. But Christianity is quite sexist. They could never have chosen a woman as their savior.

Sad.

Very sad. None of them was white too. Do you know those statues of Maria with blonde hair?

Yes.

Lies, all lies.

I hate lies.

Then why do you lie to yourself?

How am I lying to myself?

Let us start with all these internalized errors, if you see yourself, what do you see?

A little broken girl in a pretty dress.

Is she deserving of love?

She deserves the entire world.

What if I tell you, that you actually are a warrior. What if I tell you, that you are not crying at all but smiling? What if I tell you, that your inner child maybe bend but not broken. What if I tell you, that your biggest problem is your insufferable fear of pain, failure and abandonment? You are not alone Chiara, you will never be, even if you try. You are not ever alone.

What can I do to feel like the warrior and not like the child?

You heal.

So, what about him now, should I keep on seeing him?

How about you do nothing, realize you have the power and give the control over to him. It will do good for both of you. His true nature will reveal thyself soon enough.

And what if he doesn`t do anything?

He will leave your life the same way he came in, from one day to the other. You can trust him; he is an adult. You were actually very clear and well, so was he. You just did not want to hear the truth. What you need is to focus on your job and your career, everything else will happen completely natural. It is the pride parade this weekend, maybe you will find a girlfriend? What is not meant for you, will leave and what is meant for you, will stay. Trust me baby.

Thank you, Captain.

Don`t thank me for a good time. Say this affirmation when you feel the insecurity coming up again: “I have the power over my reality, I let go of control and give into the universe. I trust in the process and welcome life with a smile. I allow to leave what is not meant for me. I am ready to receive all my blessings.” Lean back my love, we will handle things from now on. I know life has been hard and you were forced to take control from a very young age, but it`s over now. You are an adult and are living a life you created, trust your process, trust your intuition.

How often do I have to hear this?

Until you understand. Chiara tell me, how was it to see him?

Very nice Captain, I like him so much.

That delights me, I am happy you found someone whose company you enjoy.

Musberg, Friday the 19^th July, 00:12

He broke my heart, Captain.

I know baby.

He said I should go to therapy. He knows the old me and wants to keep me the way he met me. Broken and sad. Captain, I am in pain.

Well, to be fair, he did send you a lot of signs that he is not on your level, he send you many signs that he is very far below you. Yet still you came back to him many, many times.

You told me that he was a nice guy.

His soul is kind, he is scared. Let him be scared.

I think he did it on purpose so I would leave, he knew I can`t let go and did it for me.

So, he did you a favor by disrespecting you and he did that because he is so kindhearted?

Voice breaking Yes.

Chiara, get in reality, he is not a saint, he is an idiot. He is ghosting you; he did not react to your messages. All he had to say was that he is sorry and that he wishes you the best. But he decided on ghosting you.

Breaks my heart so fucking much, Captain. He is just like everybody else. I am so disappointed.

He is emotionally very immature Chiara. Let it go, leave him in the past and let go. Hakuna Matata. He is an expert in making you feel crazy, not because he is in particular smart but because that is who he is. You are much better off without someone who ghosts you after telling you the most fucked up thing ever.

If you put it like that, Captain. Smiling brightly I am happy he is gone.

How is your book coming along?

I am at September 2023, right when the shit with my parents started.

You mean when you started to waking up to it?

Yeah, I guess.

Sounds like you are growing up emotionally. You are reflecting on your growth. You can detect bullshit from a mile now.

Yes. Good that this fucker is gone.

Do you wanna smash his face in?

Nodding, looking away absently Yeah.

It will pass. Just like the love for him; it will pass.

And he will be left wondering if he can ever find someone who loved him as much and as honest as you loved him. Just when he has figured out that there is no one who will, you will have forgotten every last specter about him.

He has destroyed us, Captain.

It wasn`t the first time you experienced this, there were some exes before just like him. He is really not that special, he is just a guy. Be happy that he is gone.

Can I confront them?

The confrontation is why they are ghosting you. He is scared of feelings.

Poor little baby. But he says I am the one who needs “real” therapy. What a fucking loser.

Nodding proudly There we go, Chiara that`s the right mindset. Now let it go and write your book. Move on, this is by far not the worst thing that has happened to you.

Amen.

Amen.

Friday, the 19^th of July

I am tired of conditional love Captain.

Did you mean guilt?

Is it not hate Captain?

It`s guilt. They cannot deal with guilt and are forced to hurt you.

What forced them to hurt me?

Right question is who forced them to hurt you and the answer is: Themselves. Pay close attention to the way people make you react. You reaction is your superpower. But that is very specific to your personality type Chiara.

Captain, what is a personality type?

It is all those things. All those zodiac sings, those NFTP, IFTP, the colors, the shapes, the human design charts. It is all those attempts of explaining human behavior.

Does it also explain the behavior of animals?

Some do, some don`t. You cannot possibly measure an animal by the amount of housework they complete.

I would love it if my dog would start vacuuming. Would help a lot with the hairs.

Well.

Over.

Over.

Friday, the 19^th of July, 4:04

Captain?

Yes?

Are you God?

Very shocked, over the top shocked. That is blasphemy.

But are you God?

What makes you think that?

The witch in Salem told me I would get a direct connection to God, and do you know that book, “letters with God”, where that white dude talks to God for like eight hundred pages?

I remember some letter, yes.

So…

Yes?

Are you god?

You have to be more specific.

Are you, holding finger guns my brain?

No.

Are you in my brain?

I am in your hands at most.

That is creepy Captain. Is hell real?

Is heaven?

I once had Sex in a church, will I get to hell for that?

No but maybe to prison.

Delighted I could finally get a face tattoo.

When you are in prison?

When I was in prison. I am not gonna get a tattoo in prison, there could be God- knows- what in the color.

Squinting the eyes, suspiciously Something magnetic, that would get ripped out of your skin during an MRI Scan?

You are my brain!

No.

Confused But that is exactly what I always say.

I know you very well Chiara. It is almost ridiculous.

I want to get a new name.

What do you want your name to be?

Standing on a chair, proud Gloria. Or maybe Giulia. Maybe Rosa.

Do you want to start new?

Sitting back down, humbled. Yes.

Completely reinvent yourself and never look back again, much?

Captain, you understand me.

Like I said, I know you very well.

So, are you God?

Are you human?

Are you, Captain?

No. And you?

Crisis incoming I assume. I have a belly button, that makes me human, right?

That just proves that you are a mammal. Try again.

I have feelings and am conscious about my feelings.

Animals have feelings. Try again.

I can lie for my personal benefit. That is pretty human.

That is indeed very human. Though I have met and worked with beings that lie. Not animals, not human, but they most certainly lie.

Suspicious Are you Art Lei 2?

No.

It is a mandatory question, Captain.

Obviously.

Wait, what work?

Work.

What kind of work, Captain?

I don`t really work much these days, mostly I hang around in Costa Rica.

What year?

2054.

I will be 56 in 2054.

I know, Gloria.

Gloria is a good name for a new start.

So is Rosa, Giulia not so much. That is very much a name parents give you.

Amen, Captain, Amen.

Friday, 11:09 pm

How is your heart, Chiara?

Still hurting. He is ghosting me.

How does that make you feel?

Like I was worth nothing to him, like everything he ever said to me was straight up lies. Like not one single word out of his mouth was the truth. Every I love you, every I am there for you. It was all just lies.

It will pass.

Captain, can you tell me something about the reason of life?

Yes.

Monday, 9:56 pm

Oh Captain, my Captain.

Good morning.

Did you just get up Captain?

I never get down.

Captain, am I on the right way?

How would I know?

I don`t know, you tell me.

What did you have for dinner?

Lukewarm Ebli Salad with Tuna and Brokkoli, Lentils, avocado and mushrooms. Tossed some joghurt in there and some Lemon.

Sounds delicious.

After that I had two cookies and a little bit of chocolate. Maybe I will have another cookie.

...

I just had another cookie.

How is the book coming?

I am on January 31 first.

Wow, you got very far. Only five more months to go!

Well after that I have to overwork it one more time and hope that everything is set. Then I have to create the cover and wait for the sales to go up. Then I have to write publishers and wait for someone to publish it.

Sounds exhausting.

If I look at it like that, yes. But if I look at it from a different angle it is just 5 things to do. I can do five things.

How are your feelings going?

It has been a lot, overworking the columns again has pulled them all back to the surface. I am currently there where I met him and I wonder, if maybe he was a nice guy .

Not this again, please, not this again. It´s over. Be grateful he was not your soulmate. He was not the person you are supposed to end up with. Be happy! You get to experience it all again. Meeting someone, getting to know them, first dates, first kiss, first look, first Sex. All those great first times you will experience again.

Sounds nice and that with someone different.

Exactly, was it really so nice with him?

Could be better.

Can we stop talking about boys now, please, for the love of god?

Today, Captain, I realized that I was the love I was looking for all this time.

Never look outside for love, look within.

I have a little writers block right now.

Maybe you should take some time off writing, just for one night.

I just came off a break, it is Monday, I didn’t do anything on the weekend.

Last time I checked, on Friday, you were on September last year. You copied, pasted and formatted at least eight columns in your weekend. Is that really nothing? I think you are doing a great job.

I deserve a break.

Rolling their eyes You never deserve a break. A break is free to take whenever you need it. Even if you just started, even if it is only one last step and you’re done. Take a break whenever you need it.

You are right captain.

Now put this macbook away and watch stranger things. Take a damn break.

Tuesday, 10:52 PM

Chiara, when will you come back to reality?

What do you mean Captain?

Come back, Chiara. You are spending your time doing something all the time. You said you would take a break, but you didn`t, you said you will feel, but you don`t. You are constantly up to something. Did you forget who you are again?

I am scared, Captain.

Of what?

Of my fucking future.

Than take control.

I don`t need control, I have the power.

Well, in that case, what are you scared of?

Of things not working out for me.

Meaning, you are not scared, you are losing faith?

You got it Captain.

What if I tell you, that everything is working out in your favor?

I would have to believe you.

You got this. Enjoy the pride parade this weekend, be gay, be happy and  move on. By Monday I want you and Hepa out of Stuttgart. End of discussion.

Ay, ay Captain!

I can`t hear you.

AY AY CAPTAIN!

Wednesday, 00:01

Captain?

Chiara?

Can you promise me something?

Anything.

Can you stay?

I promise.

Captain?

Yes?

Do you want some pancakes?

eyes watering up I would love some pancakes.

One week later

Sunday, 14:04

Captain, Captain I need your help.

What happened?

I, Captain, I, I can`t save the world.

Elaborate. Looking up from newspaper, taking the glasses off

I spoke to some friends and, I think this world, it cannot be fixed. Humans might be good in their core but there is so much hate, there is so much bullshit. There is so much war, there is so much hate.

And your solution is to give up?

I am burning out Captain.

You are burned out.

I hate reality. It`s a hopeless case.

You might need to go to rehab for some time. Take a break.

Why is everyone so smart to give me life tips? You are all aware of the fact, that therapy, rehab, this all cost money. The more money I spend now where I need a break the more, I have to work it back in. There is no more prosperity in my life. I have no more hope. It might be best to just give up.

Breathe Chiara. Putting hand on my shoulder

I can`t breathe anymore Captain.

Chiara you have to get in reality and stay.

No.

Chiara.

Pushing them away, getting up Fuck you Captain, I hate you.

No, you don`t.

Somebody fucking kill me please.

Don’t say that. Where did your adventurous heart go? Why don`t you just get in a train and find your way?

Cause it scares me and besides that is the opposite of taking a break, that is taking on more workload oh and yes. Train tickets cost money. Did I already mention that I have no money?

How about working for some time?

So, I am more burned out in the end?

You are thinking in problems right now.

I don`t want solutions. Why is it that everyone always thinks their stupid ass tips are so fucking helpful. I just want to know that I am heard and understood. Stop pretending like you can solve all my problems. There is a solution, and I will find it, but I will not do what you tell me to because your tips are always shit.

What are you feeling right now?

I am frustrated. My heart hurts it stings, my stomach hurts, I feel alone, I feel numb, I feel like I am not real.

Do you still miss him?

So much. I dreamed of him last night.

Was it a nice dream?

Not really.

What are you frustrated about?

About things not getting better, it feels like they are getting worse.

What things?

Life.

Wondering Life? 

Life.

Why do you feel alone?

I feel like I am not really connected to my surroundings. Like it would not be real, like this would all just be a game.

What if it is a game?

Can I fast forward than?

To what do you want to fast forward to?

To Chiara in 10 years.

How old will you be?

35 or 36, depending on the month.

What year will it be?

2034.

That is not a very nice year, much war.

What do you mean?

Do you see how things are getting more chaotic right now? Before the revolution, this will peak.

What revolution Captain?

You will stop going to work until you have a utopia.

See that is what I spoke to my friends about last night and they said, a utopia is never gonna happen and

Blah, blah, blah. Gesticulating Don`t you wanna try?

Of course, but

What is your other option?

Dying?

Nodding head Dying in horrible wildfires, World War 3, the robot apocalypse. Your holy money, that you are so worried about right now is gonna be worth nothing anymore. It is gonna be paper that you could wipe your ass with. Your world is changing.

I don`t believe you. It is still the same five people who hold all the power.

They are five people; you are 8 billion.

But they are rich and powerful and loud.

You are doctors and nurses and police people. You are soldiers and firefighters, and you are drug addicts, bankers, chefs, servers, bartenders.

But some of them profit of the system and don`t want the system to fall.

Explaining with extreme gesticulation These profits got less and less in the past and they are getting less and less as we speak.

Well, the world is coming to an end, and I didn’t even get married yet.

Rolling eyes Please don`t get out your inner Euphoria character out again.

My current character is bitter and wants to burn the world down.

Unimpressed So do it.

What?

Burn the world down, I dare you.

What am I gonna do on Monday Captain?

You tell me.

It`s tomorrow. I am homeless, tomorrow.

No, on the 30^th, not tomorrow.

I should get in motion, find a new place, book a train, do something.

Why don`t you?

I don`t know where I wanna go. I am paralyzed. Too many options while too little. I can do everything if I ignore the fact that I can actually not do anything at all. Cause I am broke. If I stay manic, I`m happy but when reality comes back, I am depressed again. I can`t live like this anymore I have been living like this for years now.

I don`t know what to tell you. I would like to hold you and give you a hug. Did you have lunch yet?

No.

What would you love to eat right now?

Shut the fuck up Captain, you talking to me like a fucking five year old.

How is your book?

Done.

How are the Queries?

Done

Nodding proud Wow.

Sarcastic Yeah wow, fuck you Captain.

Sunday, 14:45

Oh, I get it Chiara. You are living the live fast die young live, right?

I assume to be dead before I get to 30.

Why?

War, inflation, the robot apocalypse. Shrugging shoulders, raising the eyebrows

Okay I understand that I was the one who started this, but what if you don`t die? And you just turn old and horribly ill.

I do it like Kurt Cobain.

Don`t.

I wanna get some Chinese food. Something with chicken.

Get something with tofu.

Sunday, 19:20

You see, Captain, I see my sacrifice in life, my higher purpose in saving the world. I believe in the beauty of humans. But lately my unicorn, rainbow view on the world has been challenged so heavily that I think maybe my view on the world was just simply wrong.

And what does that have to do with you not knowing what to do?

I need a compass, a purpose. I feel like my purpose is fucking bullshit and I cannot save the world.

So, you want to give up?

I guess, so. Who would I do any of this for? I plant seeds and I plant them and there is no receiving, no outcome, no medal. I feel like I have been running marathons ever since I left school. But I don`t take sacrifices anymore. Since I feel as if there is no purpose, I don`t know why I would sacrifice something but get nothing out of it.

Getting bored of the conversation You feel like you are always losing?

I know that in the past I have been losing a lot. I sacrificed a boyfriend for moving to Italy, I sacrificed money for chasing my dreams, I sacrificed countless sleepless nights to my art and yet I have only done this for myself.

Do you need a Wambulance Chiara? What else do you want to do with your life except for mourning and whining?

I want to die. I see no reason. Give me one good reason.

With a calm and very kind voice To be with your dog one more time to

Yes, I know, to hold my niece ones again. Screaming I know. But these moments are so small, they flee. Voice breaking And once they are gone, I cannot get them back anymore but what stays continuously is this horrible, lonely darkness in my chest that makes me feel like I am not real.

Do you know that everyone experiences this?

Yes, and if you tell me to go to therapy now, I will fucking loose it. Therapy is a good thing and a very helpful thing, but the work starts within me, and it ends within me.

Absolutely.

I also simply cannot fucking afford therapy. I cannot afford anything. I could afford going back to work, but I would have to get a work and a place to live. Where would I go? Where would I live?

Frankfurt?

What?

Frankfurt? You could stay there and work there and wait until you have answers from the publishers. Live in an Airbnb and work at a coffee shop until you can afford your own place.

Did you mean an Airbnb that costs 1.700 Euros per month maybe?

Did you try a hostel?

You are telling me to live in a hostel for two months? Do you expect anyone to employ someone who lives in a hostel?

Did you think of sleeping on the street?

I hate you so much Captain, you are so fucking useless.

I do not know how to help you Chiara, you wanted this.

I was listening to you! You tricked me. You monster, you said I should listen to my intuition, you said I should travel myself into some more debts. You tricked me.

Tricked you? I saved you!

This is my life not a fucking stranger things episode. You know nothing of the real world. My suicide would really burst my art. Suddenly people would be so damn interested.

You want to die so people care for you?

I want to die so I can be dead and fuck all this bullshit.

Just move to the forest.

You know how many people want to do that? But you can`t in most forest it is illegal to live there.

There are people who live in the forest.

Yes, correct captain and they bought the place they are standing on, they own the house. I own nothing but 5 thousand euros of debts. I have to die there is no other way.

Tuesday, 7:40

Chiara, how are you?

Not very good Captain. I impulsively booked a train and hotel in Italy and this is all not refundable; I have 5.800 Euros of debts and cannot use my bank account anymore.

Didn`t your mom give you cash that you can use at first and you can find a money source there?

Yes, but there is no money source to find there. I have no perspective.

There is always perspective.

Not in this case, this is very hopeless. I cannot be a burden again.

Who are you a burden to?

Myself. There is nothing left to do, no way to go, this is over.

Chiara, keep the hope.

There is no more hope.

I can`t make you believe that your life is valuable.

Me neither. I am not even sad, I am very calm actually, it is time to go.

Don`t you want to go to Verona first and wait it out for a week?

No. I know already, I have to come back. I don`t want to come back.

What is so horrible about being here?

The memories.

What memories?

Of him, of my past, of loss.

You were very delighted yesterday and hopeful. What happened?

I lost my spark.

Just pack your bags and go, there is hope.

Hope is dead.

You planted many seeds, what killed your hope?

The reality. It is not as easy as I thought it was.

Can you take a credit at your parents?

No. I could but no. I owe them so much already.

They are your parents.

I owe them so much already.

Chiara, I beg you. Throw them away, pack your bags and go, please.

No if I go, I will have to come back.

So?

I cannot come back.

So, you want to stay here in the first place?

Yes.

Then you lose the money anyways.

I hate being here. I hate Stuttgart.

You dream of getting out, I know, but now you have that train booked. Take a 2 thousand euro Credit from your parents, better you owe them than the bank, pack your bags, close your eyes and leave. Stop what you are doing don`t let these thoughts win.

There is such a thing as the reality. Losing focus of what is important right now I am meant to work until I die for 50 hours a week to get a retirement payment of 100 Euros to live in a world that is full of war?

What do you want to do?

Die. I want to fucking die.

Then die for god’s sake. Getting up But remember that everyone is rooting for you, remember that everyone trusts you and believes in you. Remember that they need your art, they need your carless behavior, they need your inspiration, they need you. Remember that we are counting on you. Go ahead kill yourself but remember that if you are gone there is a significant part missing, remember that most artists are in debts with their parents up until their thirties, most famous actors lived in their car at some point, most painters lived on the streets. Remember that everyone has to go back to a mundane horrible job to get out of debts, stay in cities they don’t want to stay in and be someone they don`t like in order to chase their dreams. Remember that money problems in your age are normal and so is the wish to run away. Remember that out there are people that need the unfortunate events of Chiara desperately. You can save them. I get it, you want to die. I get it, you are exhausted, I know. You see no more future for you, you don`t know how to go on. I know. But out there are people who need you. So, take a fucking breath, pack your bags and go to Verona.

To what end?

To fucking no end.

What if I have to come back and work again, like all those other times and I failed again and again and again and again and again and again until I finally die of failure?

At least you gave it another try. Again, and again and again and again and again.

Fuck you, Captain.

You can hate me as much as you want, but its better you hate me and kick me and kill me than yourself. Leave yourself alone, there is hope and there is faith. I believe in you. Did you send out those queries?

11 of them.

That is not too many.

Every publishing agency in Boston publishing nonfiction self-help books that felt like a fit.

How about New York, Philadelphia, California?

Okay sure.

Did you apply for journalist jobs?

Yes, three in total.

That is not too many. Did you apply for writer’s jobs?

Yes like 5.

Throw them pills away. And breath.

Tuesday, 19:12

Captain. I am sorry, I didn`t go.

Did you come back to reality?

Yes.

That is all I wanted. For you to get out of that little fake reality you created.

Captain, I thought you wanted me out of Stuttgart.

Welcome back Chiara. Now we can start the work, can we?

I need at least 3 months to get out of debts.

You will be out in two.

I don`t believe you.

You don`t have to. I am glad you are still here. You made a right decision today. I love you; I am proud of you; you are so strong.

I am scared to publish this Column, Captain, I feel very vulnerable.

Don`t be. There is someone that needs to read this, there is someone that needs these words.

I wish I was four years older. I hate my life.

Work on loving it, you can change.

I feel like I can`t. I feel like there is always drama with me.

Breathe.

Do you know that even if I would have boarded that train, I would not have made it Italy, it was delayed, I would have missed my connecting train and either stay in a hotel or come back.

I guess the universe was clearer than I could have been. Stop running from your problems Chiara, face them like an adult.

Wednesday, 00:04

Captain are you angry with me because I didn`t leave Stuttgart?

I could not care less. I do not know a single thing I care less about.

But you said you want me out of here.

Well, I said a lot of things. I am just grateful you are still here in general. Sleep Chiara, your eyes hurt.

One more thing Captain, one more question. Are you God?

If I say yes, will you stop asking?

Yes. Are you God Captain?

Stop asking me this I cannot answer you that. Getting visibly angrier.

Are you God, Captain?

Raising voice Chiara!

Shouting Tell me if you are God or not or I will fucking lose it, are you God?

Raising eyebrows, calm voice Do you want me to be God?

Yes, I do.

In that case, yes, yes, I am God. Does this make you feel less alone?

It does, thank you. Can we talk about spiritual things?

Next week okay, it is time to sleep now, this was a long week. Breathing out sharply For the both of us.

Captain?

Yes?

I am sorry for insulting you so much this week.

Say sorry to yourself, you insulted yourself so much worse.

I am sorry Chiara.

Say you love yourself.

I love myself.

Say you believe in yourself.

I believe in myself.

Good, now dance Monkey!

Laughing Captain!

I love you Chiara.

 I love you too God.

Captain, if you please.

I love you too Captain.

Hey Chiara?

Yes?

I think you did an amazing Job this week, you got a lot of work done and not only business work also emotional work and you had some fun. I am so very proud of you. You make great decisions, and you are beautiful and smart, and I am so proud. I will personally make sure that it was worth it. I am so proud of you.

Sweating from the heat, crying on the inside Thank you Captain.

Anytime Chiara.

Do you want some of my sandwich?

Getting up hastily, smiling brightly I would love some.

One week later

Tuesday, 00:04

Chiara, you need to sleep.

I am very tired.

So, sleep.

No, I have to brush my teeth first and turn the lights off and so many other things too.

Just sleep, you have been working the whole entire day.

I have a merchandise store now!

I heard.

It is very cool, Captain, I am quite proud.

I have seen it.

I am gonna have a photoshoot with my friends wearing my designs, is it not crazy? I legitimately am the person I dreamed of being when I was a little girl. I am cool, I am funny, I am so hot, I am successful, and I am working all the time, always on the run, never stand still and my energy is superb. People are mesmerized by me.

You are really incredible; I am glad you are finally internalizing good things. Let us get out some stuff this week, you seem to be strong enough right now to fight your fear.

Okay. Good night Captain.

Good night, Chiara.

Friday, 4:48

Captain, how is it going?

It is rolling and how are you Chiara?

I had a nice day, went to the gym, had a burger, had a date, brushed my teeth and now I am sitting on the couch all snuggled in.

Still on the couch hm?

Yes, my bed is on the way.

How was the date?

Blushing A gentleman keeps their silence.

Since when are you a gentleman Chiara?

Yesterday.

How is your fear?

I am successfully ignoring it, trusting in the universe and keeping up the work.

Your fear will be triggered this week, I need you to let it go.

I just wonder where my big success is.

Give it some time, trust the process.

Is the process aware that I am trusting it?

Go to sleep, stop the worries.

I know, I know. It is just, I am scared you know.

Scared of what?

Scared of things not working out.

Very valid. And what do we do when we are scared of things not working out?

We cry?

We are courageous.

I am courageous.

Do you have any spiritual questions you would ask God?

Somehow, no. I wish I had but somehow no. One maybe, is love everything that gives life reason?

Everything you allow gives your life reason. Are you still thinking about him?

Nope. It was like you said, he left my life the same way he came, fast and without further notice.

Do you miss him?

Not at all. He was a nice guy, and I am sure he is gonna be very happy, very soon. I wish him the best, all the love his little heart can take.

Remember when you thought you could not do it without him? Look how far you have come. In conclusion sometimes love gives your life reason, even if the love has passed. Heartbreak can give your life reason; the gym can give your life reason. What exactly gives your life reason is not that important, it is way more important that something gives your life reason.

Blushing again I had Sex under the stars tonight.

Sounds like another thing you could get to prison for.

Oh yeah.

You could finally get a face tattoo.

Nodding proudly

You are so fucking weird Chiara; I love you with my entire being. I would give you the entire world if I could.

Can you not?

No, but you can.

Give myself the world?

Why are you still awake?

This is my prime time captain.

Should you not be staying with your parents and sleep in an actual bed in your own room?

Fuck you captain I can do what I want. Squatter’s rights.

Are you a squatter?

Kind of.

Ironic You are so punk Chiara.

Dead serious I know, right?

Tuesday, 10:57

Chiara, baby, how are you, I did not hear from you in a while.

Sorry Captain, I was busy.

Busy with what?

Living the life, breaking my no-dates-until-I-am-famous-and-rich-rule.

Did you actually think you were gonna stick to that?

Did you just call me a whore?

No.

Sometimes I wonder if I can find love again.

Why should you not?

I already had the love of my life but, well I fucked it up and now she is happy with her girlfriend, and I am the happy for her. We saw us again by chance in a store the other day and I did not breathe the entire time. I also lied and said I have a girlfriend.

Why?

I don`t know I have this impulse lying thing going on lately, I hate it so much. I am also so bad at lying, she definitely knew I was lying. I was thinking of texting her but to what end? She is happy, no need for me to come in and make her unhappy again.

Why are you telling me this?

I am freaking out because I need a rehab from this weekend, this was very intense.

Isn`t it kind of nice?

No, it’s kind of embarrassing.

Feelings are embarrassing?

No. I mean

Practice what you preach Chiara, you keep on telling everyone to feel their feelings because life without feelings is boring. But then you continue to shut down your feelings and pretend like you are all cool and shit because you are scared of getting hurt? Even though you say you are not. Always this damn fucking fear, Chiara. Tell me about your business, we can come back to your fear later.

It is actually going quite well. My book sells are climbing up and I am regaining new self-esteem in my art. It actually is quite good.

Any answers by publishers?

None, but I am collecting more and more people with whom I could open up a literary agency, after my literature studies in my 40`s.

You got some dreams girls.

A dream written down becomes a goal and a goal with steps becomes a plan. Unfortunately, planning is not really my strong suit. I am more of a Joker kind of person. I wish I was Batman, but I am not. 

You are wonder woman.

In that case I would have to work on my communication and fighting skills.

You just need some more people that support you and tell all their friends about you.

This column gets read quite frequently,  I will have to publish my columns book soon, people are waiting for it.

What people?
People Captain, people.

Why are you scared of getting hurt?

I am not scared.

You are.

No.

Well, what is the reason for all this weed than, Miss I am not ever scared?

I like the feeling of not actually being alive.

Because you are sad and lonely, I know.

Fuck you captain, I am not sad and lonely.

What makes you think you cannot find love again?

It just never works out; it just breaks my heart every time.

Wow, you think you cannot change. Sarcastic How new of you. Visibly more annoyed Relax, this is not you, this is your fear speaking.

Fuck this shit, I`m going to the gym.

Calming down Finally, a productive idea.

Tuesday, 2:42 pm

I feel better. Imma just go with the flow, right?

Right.

Captain, how do I go with the flow?

In general speaking, or in dating terms speaking?

In General, my readers want to learn something for their life, you know.

I`m just asking cause lately, you have been talking about dating a lot.

I know.

And I want you to know, that this is a good thing, after holding yourself back for years, so you wouldn’t get hurt.

I never held myself back, I just got hurt.

Laughing What a fucking lie, what a hell of a lie. You never really had an actual relationship since like 2018? You never dared to open up again and if we are being honest, you never really opened up to your last partners either. Until this day, like whenever you say you want to die, you are always ready to pack your bags and leave. And somehow, you never figured out when it is time to break up, you always want to leave but you never really stay. When are you ever gonna open up to someone and let them take the lead, can you still trust other people or do you just assume they are incompetent?

Raising my voice First of all, when I have the time for that and am rich and famous and second of all when someone is not afraid to tell me about their feelings for me, so I can open up in safety, for fucks sake, I need someone who gives me safety and not this rollercoaster bullshit.

Matching the energy Maybe, Chiara, if you stop playing rollercoaster with your feelings, started talking about them instead of around them, open up to the people who are around you and finally do some emotional work, maybe you will attract the right people that give you the safety, you ask for.

Captain, calming down, breathing deeply how do I go with the flow?

You make it seem like it is something you actively do.

Just tell me, please, how do I go with the flow?

You stop being scared.

I can`t. Fear is a feeling, I have fear.

You also have the option to take a deep breath and jump.

Jump? What if I break my bones?

What if you land in the most beautiful, warm and caring water, that carries you with it, like a river?

I would like that.

Trust me, my love, you will go with the flow, very soon.

By the way Captain, you were right, I am going to be in America in less than two months.

See, I told you.

I am gonna visit my new best friend and bridesmaid Becky and I am gonna get married and come back to Stuttgart all American.

Married?

I need a something I cannot say in public and I need someone I can fall back on, someone who I like to talk to. Someone that shares the same life values and needs the same things. I found a friend who has all those things and needs all those things so, people got married for dumber reasons, why not? 

What if you want to get married, out of love, in a church or something?

I can`t I am not part of any church.

Never baptized?

Nope.

For someone who speaks to God their entire day, you are very much the antichrist. Shaking their head Getting married for a specific reason, you cannot say right now.

You can get married twice in your life. Once out of fun and once out of love.

Are men nowadays really that disappointing?

Yes, very much so.

Did you ever think that maybe you might be gay and not actually into men?

Well yes of course. Men usually don`t do enough and annoy me with that and with women, it is usually that they do too much and annoy me with that. People are so annoying at times. A mix of both would be amazing. Someone who just needs a princess in their life. You know? I create sunshine and love, I am a little princess, with the heart of a fucking goddess, like Athena. I create pretty little flowers wherever I walk and a bunch of adventures. You even get to rescue me out of a castle every now and then. I am a 10/10. Little bit crazy, very unhinged, so fucking hot, self-assured and over bored. A realization Oh my god, I am a Nirvana song text.

Athena is Greek, you are Italian. Also Athena never had to be rescued, out of a castle.

It is a figure of speech Captain. I would tear this fucking castle to the ground. Hunt their king and force them to listen to a 15-pages poem. After my recital I would set him on fire.

I actually believe you Chiara. Get some perspective what are you really looking for? It is not a relationship, I tell you that.

Me, Captain, I am looking for me.

I thought you found yourself in America.

You cannot actually find yourself. Now I am looking for, this source of safety and calmness in my heart. This love I have for myself; I am looking for that. How can I access it?

Close your eyes. Puts their hand on my forehead. Do you feel my hand?

Yes.

Breathe. Puts their other hand on my heart. Look closer.

Eyes watering up, mood suddenly changing. Captain, stop.

Why?

There are feelings coming up. Heart is starting to hurt.

What kind of feelings?

Bad feelings, Captain, I want to die.

No, my love. You don`t want to die, you want to live. 

Captain, taking their hand. How can I live?

You stop being afraid and start to live.

Like a starfish?

Like a starfish memory.

Wednesday 1:26 am

There is no space in my life for this fear. I am my priority, I am so motherfucking busy.

Enjoy the moment, enjoy what brings you fun, walk away from what bores you.

I had an amazing day actually. I worked at the Piloni restaurant and had a blast. Somewhere mid-day I realized that my jobs are getting more and more, and I have two now, by tomorrow probably 3 and by Monday 4. I am also self-employed and do so many things with that, books, comics, shirts, everything. I am so fucking busy all the time, I am running around, never sleep. Things get problematic when I get in my head and start thinking.

I know.

I just worried for no reason. I have to chill; everything is working out for me.

Ave Maria, she finally realized it.

I still have kind of an unpleasant talk about feelings tomorrow I started when I was in my head too much but to be honest, I like these kind of talks. Finally something interesting. Maybe something surprising will happen tomorrow, maybe I will find my 20 thousand Euros?

Tomorrow will be one of the best days of your life, trust me baby. Winks. Don`t get too drunk please, spare your liver.

Captain?

Yes?

I love you, very dearly, you are actually a great addition to my life.

Thank you.

And Captain?

Yes?
Do you want Pizza?

Eyes watering up I would love some Pizza.

Curtain closes as the smell of fresh warm Pizza arises. The audience is amazed by the main characters growth this week. They get up in applause and scream: “Chiara, Chiara, Chiara, you are our superhero! Chiara, Chiara, Chiara, you are our wonder woman!”

For my merch click here

One week later

Hello this is your captain speaking; Cut Chiara some slack, we are practicing the vulnerability part with this. So if you should read this and feel like judging her, don't. If you feel like breaking her heart, don't. I will break you. Have fun.

Starten wir mit einem Gedicht für Valentina, die Liebe meines Lebens:

Valentina, oh Valentina

Du bist mir sehr nah.

Hast ein Zimmer in meinem Herz

Nicht gemietet, ich habs dir verkauft

Bitch, you are my soulmate

I can`t deny

 I love you

I see you in my third eye

Sending you love everyday

Wish you become happier everyday

Könnte dich nicht an meiner Seite missen

Ich würde dich schon schwer vermissen

Das Universum hat uns geschubst

Hast mein Herz geraubt

Kannst alles was ich nicht kann

Ich lieb dich halt ganz dolle man.

Küss dein Auge, diese Gedicht?

Für dich.

Saturday, 00:07

Captain?

Yes?

I have a dating related question.

Hit me.

How do I choose the right partner for me?

You listen to your intuition.

Well, I did, and I still have a hard time trusting men.

Unfortunately, a toxic relationship is always two people.

Of course, Captain.

You attract what you chase.

Are you saying the victim is the one to be blamed for the abuse?

The only one who is to blame is the aggressor. Yet, both are responsible.

How do I prevent a toxic relationship?

You work on your energy, on yourself and on your healing so you attract who meets you halfway.

Captain I am so confused.

Why?

It was a wild fucking weekend.

It is Saturday.

I am tired. 

What did you do?

Well, it all started, when I watched a movie with my tax consultant and

Your tax consultant? How did you get them to watch movies with you?

I was nice to him.

Nodding proudly Way to go.

Anyways, the movie is when it all started, it was really creepy so I couldn’t sleep. I stared at the ceiling and called Valentina at 2 am.

Why didn`t you call your tax consultant, if he was the one to watch the movie with you?

I think he has his phone off at night.

But he knew you are sensible right? So he probably would have left his phone on so you could call.

Read the fine print Captain.

The fine print?

Yeah, he said something about reading the fine print. Anyways, Valentina and I talked at like 3 am, when I realized that I have no fear being vulnerable with her.

Wow, you opened up to someone!

Yes, Captain indeed, I did! I did not open up to a love relationship though but opening up to a friend is a step up!

Way to go!

That was when I realized that this wonderful person that I actually am is inside of me, hidden under a bunch of walls.

You truly are a wonderful person Chiara.

The next morning, of course I did not feel very good and needed some dopamine. Went on a walk with my dog, to the gym and continued my day. In between I cuddled an enormous dog, like this dog was full on gorilla sized.

You cuddled a dog?

A very big dog. And he was so sweet, he leaned his head against my leg and let me pet him. He gave me a little kiss on my knee too.

Interesting.

Wait, Captain I have to stop writing, I have to get up tomorrow at 9 to go dog walking and I did not sleep well yesterday, because I smoked way too much weed.

Did you finally quit the weed?

Yes.

Did you ever realize, that when your sleep patterns worsen, it is a sign that a manifestation has arrived.

I have to learn how to control my brain, Captain. I thought I could but lately it has been triggered.

By whom?

My tax consultant.

Your tax consultant is triggering your brain?

Yes, well but in a good way.

How?

He made me realize what a chaotic mess this is and how little I know about theoretical stuff and order and shit.

Okay, back to you and your brain.

So, I used to have control over my brain but

But you learned that control is fear and figured out, that you don`t want to control your brain, you want to have power over it?

How do I claim my power over my brain?

You wait for the frontal lobe to fully develop and then you practice.

Is everything in life secretly that easy?

When you open up, yes.

Okay so how do I choose the right partner for me?

You do it and then you practice.

I am very practiced in making wrong decisions.

Choose the person, that brings you the most tranquility. That makes you feel excited and calm at the same time.

In that case I would have to choose me.

What did you have for dinner?

Salmon.

Just salmon? No pasta or potato or anything with it?

It was a gigantic piece of salmon.

Okay well, good night baby.

Good night captain.

Saturday, 10:31

Captain, is dating a constant battle over who is the boss?

Well, there are million theories about male and female energy. About being the protector, about being submissive and about having the upper hand.

But?

But it`s all bullshit. There is no such thing as masculine or feminine energy, there is just energy. In the end, who is meant to find each other will find each other and if you did not find someone yet, it is because you need to work on your energy. It is your energy, that pulls people into your life.

But Captain, I found myself why would I possibly need someone else in my life?

Relationships allow you a safe space and thereby help you grow. Social issues can only be fixed in social situations.

The reason of relationships is to grow?

Being in a relationship and thereby I mean any relationship where there is a connection on a deeper level, means being a team. You and them against the world. And if it is not that dynamic, the relationship needs work or a breakup.

I do see that. If it’s me against them, it is gonna crash and burn.

Because you are a fucking maniac. You might be very much of a pacifist, but you communicate like a fucking monster.

It`s the Scorpio ascending.

Scary.

I am not scary.

I am scared of you.

You are God.

Calm down, Chiara.

I am calm.

Okay, hey, yelling just cool it there, okay?

Letting my head crash on the table with a loud thud Please, God, shut up.

Chiara, did you ever think that maybe, you are looking for something that is gonna come to you?

I feel like in twilight. On this party on Thursday, I was sitting between these two boys, and I realized how both want me to build up physical contact. But it made me feel so uncomfortable that I just froze. This was so much pressure, I just wanted to cry. But I was also the one who maneuvered myself in this situation, my brain was fucking screaming for help. So, I just sat there, minding my own business with my arms to myself, thinking: how do I get out of this situation? I feel like the boys did not care how uncomfortable they made me feel. Just like in twilight when Bella is in the cinema with Jacob and the other guy.

The vampire?

No, Vampires don`t go to the cinema.

When was the last time you went to the cinema?

Like a year ago or something?

Did you turn into a vampire in the meantime?

No, I have trouble sitting still for 3 hours without falling asleep or smoking breaks.

The cinema is for making out.

Dream on, Captain. The cinemas these days are full and fucking expensive.

Who did you decide on? The vampire or the werewolf?

I went on the couch where Valentina, was sitting with her boyfriend.

Who was also on that side?

Blushing

You realize it by yourself, right?

Shut up Captain, I do not like him.

You do.

Shut up.

Love is like a train without breaks, but so is hate.

Back with the love and hate is the same thing theses of yours.

Did you talk to people about it?

Yeah, and they all perceived it as boring, so I stopped.

Sorry.

Yeah.

Well.

When rewatching twilight, I always wondered: why doesn`t Bella stick to her friends? Jessica and Erica seemed like really great people and Bella just fell into this victim complex shit. Like? Bella? I understand that you are scared of pain but please, stop.

You also have a victim complex Chiara. It is not a very good color on you.

I was taught, that I am not worthy of love. By the entire world, took me some time to unlearn that. Being queer helped with unlearning that, since men teach you, you have to be their perfect little wife but with no commitment.

What happened with this woman you have been talking with?

Oh, things ended kind of badly. Something happened when I was on a date, and I don`t know it kind of crashed and burned.

What date?

Like the third, we were in a punker bar. And he did something that pissed me off, so I texted her if maybe she was in town, so I could leave. But she wasn’t, I said, yeah, no problem, might be a sign that I should stay with him. Like 10 minutes I played chess with some stranger while my date fed me beer.

Wait, sorry, fed you beer?

There was always a full beer next to me.

Wow.

Yeah nodding

Did he feed it to you?

Of  course not, it`s a figure of speech.

What happened next?

She calls me to say that she is on her way to town and that I should send my location. I say no what the fuck, please chill and go back home. She goes no I am already on my way; she wants to rescue me from my date. I said I don`t need any rescue and I don`t want her to come. She says well, she is on her way and hangs up.

Sounds like a lot.

She was a very obsessive character.

Did you see her again?

No, we initially had a date the next day, but I did not even check my phone, I really enjoyed the time with him and wanted to stay in his arms like, not to be dramatic or something, but forever. I realized 40 minutes after the initial date that I forgot it.

You gotta stop these games, Chiara. You are hurting people with it.

When you combine my love for drama, my self obsession sprinkled with my insecurities, fear of abandonment and add a little bit of romance and deep self-love. It`s hard not to play. These games protect me.

They don`t protect you, they hurt them.

Sorry.

I think you want a boyfriend.

I think I want my heart to heal.

I think you are trying to find the infinity stones.

I will snap and all rich, white, straight, cisgender men would turn into dust.

Wow.

When they are gone, I can finally wear little skimpy shorts and tiny dresses.

The oversexualization of the female body destroyed style.

Amen Captain, Amen.

Saturday, 14:35

My Chiara, you talk a lot today.

Yeah, I like our dynamic right now, I enjoy talking to you.

How was the dog date?

Hepa loved her, the other dog is a golden retriever girl, and I think they are in love.

Is your dog queer?

Yes.

You have a lot of similarities.

My favorite part is when Hepa pretends to be all submissive, because she knows she loses strength wise. She waits until she has the right position to slip out and run away, the other dogs try to chase her, but they cannot keep up. She does that until they are tired and then cuddles. Boom, love. Hepa and her little games.

She sounds just like you.

I am not like that!

Sure, little miss wants a partner with big strong arms, so they can carry her through the storm. Screaming When she was the one who conjured up the storm in the first place.

Captain, you just did me dirty.

Just the truth princess, just the truth.

I am not a princess.

Breathing out heavily Of course you are not, you are a goddamn witch that lives in the forest and scares the baby Jesus out of the townspeople.

Well, I need a partner who is on my level, since over my level is simply impossible. But I will not deal with someone under my level ever again. They took my strength and abused me. Fucking bitches.

Choose someone who wants to grow with you. Otherwise, you will constantly be decreasing while they increase.

Sounds like a fucked up math equation.

Everything is a fucked up math equation.

As long as it is not a meth equation.

Amen, Chiara, Amen.

Sunday, 15:52

Captain, I am tired.

You are doing a great job Chiara.

I work my three jobs in peace now, pull up my business at the same time, go to America in October. All of that without getting a burn out and/ or setting myself on fire. Then I will take over the world by buying a bunch of coffee shops and restaurants. Give…

…People ridiculously high salaries so everyone wants to work with you, employ the entire world at the unfortunate events of Chiara, give artists a way to make money and revolutionize the world with your abundance of love. I know, I was there when this plan was made.

It is a 60-step plan, I cannot do all of that.

Let me correct you: alone, you cannot do all of that alone. But the good news is you are not alone. Maybe write it down?

Sounds annoying.

But it helps, getting some order in the system.

I fucking hate creating order, I prefer creating chaos.

Oh, I know Chiara, I know.

When we have a wish to die, it is a spiritual wish to die, right?

Right.

We have the wish to change, not the wish to die.

You got it.

But we feel as if we cannot change, since our steps feel small, so we become frustrated. Feelings build up but never get released. The wish to change grows and grows. We feel as if nothing can make a change anymore, become bitter, stop trying and die ugly.

Correct.

What can we do to change?

You take these horrible uncomfortable feelings, and you feel them. Once you lifted one veil, the others will lift too.

My back hurts.

Do you need a massage?

I need one, but I don`t like strangers touching me.

Do you have a friend who can massage you?

Ew, no.

A date?

I don`t date anyone right now.

Yeah, sure, what about your tax consultant?

Shut up Captain, blushing he doesn't like me like that.

I would massage you, but I don`t have any hands at the moment.

Please don`t touch me Captain.

Sunday, 16:42

Captain, my brain is screaming.

Breathe Chiara, breathe.

I cannot it is screaming.

Breathe, in and out. Breathe in, hold and release. Again.

No, I will have to cry if I do that.

What is so bad about crying?

I just did my make up.

Valid.

Am I gonna be okay, Captain?

Of course, baby.

Will I be loved?

Of course, baby.

Will I love?

Of course, baby.

Will I change?

Of course, baby.

Everything is okay.

Correct.

I am living my dream life.

Correct.

What is 345+ 678?

1023.

Interesting is it not? 345678 = 123

How is that interesting?

I hate you, Captain.

I love you too, Chiara.

Sunday, 17:05

I think I like him, Captain.

I think I know who you are talking about.

Shut up.

Adorable.

Okay, Captain, gotta get back to work.

Monday, 2:02 am

Captain, I decided that Becky was right.

What?

This dream of this strong, blonde American, that I meet under the rose bushes is Becky. Just that in that case, it was a smoker’s room, not rose bushes and that it was not about love, it was about friendship. I have found so many and great friends in America, I was not there to meet the love of my life, I was there to meet my tribe.

You got it.

Such a thing as the love of your life does not exist or at least not in this incredibly romanticized version as it was in my brain. I also heard that American men are not very good at sex, I would not like a relationship with bad sex.

Chiara, you had this romanticized version of love to control love. You wanted to make sure you would not get hurt. Now that you are finally opening up to someone and wake up to your triggers, you grew out of that version of you that needed to dream of a love of your life. You have met many, many loves of your life. You soul has many mates.

I do.

Character growth. I am very proud.

God, I am so fucking tired. I do not know what I need right now.

Rest, you need a place to lay your head.

I am gonna lay in my bed tomorrow, watch captain underpants and the office, Brooklyn 99, maybe even how I met your mother and eat pizza the entire day.

Call your tax consultant, I am sure he misses you.

Blushing Shut up, no he doesn’t.

Not again with the victim complex.

He said, he doesn’t have any feeling, so please stop feeding into my into my delusions, this ain`t Texas.

You gotta stop playing with him Chiara, it`s rude.

I play when I am scared, I am scared for a reason.

Please stop, grow out of it. It`s rude.

How do I stop?

You have a best friend by your side who can help you with that. Ask her.

Valentina?

Yes.

She is a great person.

She is.

God bless her.

God bless Valentina.

I know there is a question on your mind. Say it.

Can I exchange the victim complex with a god complex?

No.

Why not?

You have to stop trying to be perfect all the time and measure yourself and others by extreme high standards, not a very good color on you.

I know.

Do you understand what habits it is that you have to let go? You and them against the world not you against them.

Saluting Yes, sir Yes.

And you do understand that you don`t have to feel bad for showing old habits, they have to come up, so you can let them go.

Yes, I know.

In the future, you talk about your needs and insecurities, and you realize that you might be projecting something. They might not be doing anything wrong at all, quite the opposite.

Of course, Captain.

Also don`t worry, you will still be the Diva that you are, just without all the emotional manipulation.

Somehow writing my feeling comes more natural to me.

Yeah, no shit, you are a writer Chiara.

Monday, 3:34 am

Oh my god I forgot to bring some water to table 74.

How horrible.

Tuesday, 10:10 am

Captain?

Yes?

I am really happy.

Nice.

The sun is shining, my coffee is good, I had a great morning.

Okay.

Why do I still want to die?

You tell me, Chiara. What is it about death that you desire?

The tranquility, I am so fucking tired.

Did you try sleeping?

Yes, and I feel just as exhausted the next morning as I did when I went to bed.

It will be okay.

I want to rest.

Did you not rest yesterday?

I can`t sleep lately. I have such vivid dreams and wake up every 15 minutes.

Let that part of you die that weighs you down. It wants to die, let it go.

How?

Breathe. Lean back. Relax. Close your eyes. Holding my eyes closed You can trust me, let me in.

Feelings changing, memories coming up, heart burning, insecurities arise What if I am not this person you expect me to be?

You are.

What if I am not strong enough?

Let it go.

What if I can`t do it?

Stop holding on so tight.

Captain there are memories coming up, help me.

Let them go, you are okay.

Captain, I can`t breathe.

Calm your nervous system.

Captain, I don`t want to remember this.

Let it go.

What if she is gone when I let it go?

She will always be a part of you.

Tuesday, 10:42

How was the cry?

Good I feel better, it feels like something is missing in my heart, I can still feel her shadow.

Little you, she will always be part of you.

There is free space in my heart now, where she was just sitting.

There is space for someone new, something healthy, something that will grow, all that love you had for her, give it to them.

I can`t stop crying Captain, it feels like she has died.

Light some sage baby, she has died, it is over, she is gone.

Tuesday, 11:08

I miss her Captain.

It will pass.

My heart feels empty.

It feels light.

Memories pass me by, like a starfish. I cry and I wonder.

You wonder why, you wonder how?

Yesterday I told him about the blue, blue sky.

And all that you could see, was just a yellow lemon tree.

I love her Captain.

Of course, Chiara, she is you. You love you. You who you are right now, not who you were. She only exists in your memory. All this time you were looking for you when you were right there next to you.

There is empty space in my heart.

Your entire body is a temple. Your brain is the office that runs everything, your heart is where the people live.

My liver is my gym, and my kidneys are the bathroom.

I love you Chiara.

I love you too Captain. Eyes watering up Thank you for being in my live.

Thank you for giving me your voice.

Fuck what a day.

And it`s only 11 am!

What a fucking day.

You got this baby. Keep on going forward.

Tuesday, 22:11

Captain, I don`t feel very good.

What do you feel like?

Scattered, unfocused, angry, confused, like I am about to die.

Do you have a panic attack?

I don`t think so.

Is there someone around?

Yes, my sibling.

Want to talk to them about it?

No. I don't talk about my feelings.

Want to write about it?

I feel like I am exploding.

Breathe deep in your abdomen.

Something is happening right now, I feel it.

What is happening?

I don`t know, something. I didn`t go to the Bar yet.

Why not?

I don`t want to go alone, it feels uncomfortable.

Fully understandable, wait until either someone joins you or you feel like it is the right moment.

I also left them my number, but they did not call yet.

Maybe you call them?

Good idea.

You do not have to do anything you don`t feel comfortable with.

Well

What?

I don`t feel very comfortable posting this week’s column.

Why?

It is very vulnerable, very much about my feelings and about my feeling for a specific person. What if they read it and, I look like a fucking freak.

You didn't write it to dedicate your feelings for him, you wrote this because it is beautifully written and because it is interesting. You want to make money off of this and romance, dating is an interesting thing to write about. What do you think Big felt like in Sex and the City when reading Carries column. Or Aiden or all the other guys. You gotta stand over it. But is that maybe why you feel like this right now?

No.

But look at his actions, do they actually reflect no feelings at all?

No, they actually reflect a lot of interest in me. But that is nothing new, it's just men.

Calm down, you are scared that a cycle is repeating, fear, remember fear?

It has been the same thing every time, the same story every time, why would it be different this time?

Do you feel different?

I feel like spiritually something is changing in me.

Oh, so your feeling of angry, sad, confused is a good thing?

Feels like it. It does not feel like a panic attack. I am in my head right now but not in a bad way. My head is pretty silent right now.

Look at you and your growth. Chiara, can I tell you something?

Yeah.

I am very proud of you.

Thank you.

Why did you not care what your other partners think when you wrote about them?

Maybe because I knew they did not actually read it, so I could write what I want.

Well, that is valid.

But he is definitely reading it.

Well.

I cannot do this anymore.

Of course you can. Two more months and then you are in America.

I want to die.

You did. A part of you died today. A part that was beautiful, a part that was holding you back. Of course you don`t feel very well right now. Post this column as it is, go to sleep, read it tomorrow again and then promote it. This would give you the chance to delete some stuff before specific people read it.

I wonder what they would write about me. I wonder what they would write if they could.

Do you mean what would your tax consultant write about you?

I mean everyone, everyone who knows me. If they had to write a one page essay about me, what would they write? How do they perceive me, how do they see me?

I can tell you. They see you as the most beautiful woman they have ever seen, with an aura so strong it enlightens their core. They feel your strength, they feel your eyes piercing right through their soul. They would write about how much your authenticity intimidates them and how annoyed they are if you play with them and throw them out after letting them in. They would write how they wish you opened up to them and they would explain how much they appreciate the honor when you show your vulnerable side. They would mention that there is something different about you, in the best possible way and they would write about how much they believe in you and how grateful they are that you are part of their life. You could not imagine more wonderful words.

I guess I am perfect.

Except for your extreme humbleness you are perfect.

They don`t know how heartbreaking it is when I cry.

They know how horrible it is to hurt you and how dark and cold life feels when you leave, they would say sorry for leaving you alone when you needed them, and they would tell you how proud they are of you for managing it all on your own. All this pain, all this dirt, all this depression, suicidal thoughts, self-harm, eating disorders, anxiety attacks, drug problems, they are so proud of you for managing it all by yourself.

I never want to be alone again a single day of my life, I fucking hate being alone.

You never will be alone again.

Captain, I can`t offer you anything to eat but could you maybe hold me?

Give you a little hug?

Promise me you will never leave, maybe?

I promise.

My heart feels empty, Captain.

Where little you used to sit?

I feel alone without her, there is an empty space in my heart.

You are not alone, and you never will be again, sleep my love. You did a great job this week. I love you, come into my arms, let go, relax, I am here.

They hug close, breaking down crying. As the curtain closes a heartbreaking cry is to be heard, the audience sits still, not moving a single muscle, teardrops hitting the ground. They hold each others hands as the pain feels familiar. Slow clapping, single cries. We are not alone.

Wednesday, 10:04

I think he is playing with my heart.

Did he say that?

The fine print captain, the fine print.

What do you want to do now?

Never touch a man ever again in my entire life.

How romantic.

Fuck you.

I am way too busy for this shit and way to incredible.

Oh no, the God Complex.

It is not a God Complex if I actually am a God.

Oh no....

One week later

Tuesday, 13:42

Chiara?

Captain?

Chiara?

Captain?

Chiara!

Captain!

Long warm hug

You did not talk to me the whole entire week; I missed you Chiara.

I missed you too. It was really busy.

What have you been up to?

Work. What is the reason of life?

The meaning, you mean?

Yes.

Living.

How can I live?

You stay in the present moment.

How do I stay in the present moment?

You tell me Chiara, you have become a master of this art. Sometimes you are so much in the moment, you forget there is a future ahead of you and a world around you.

Today I feel sad.

Why?

It was an emotional day and night.

How is your tax consultant?

Pretty, as usual.

How is Valentina?

She is on vacation right now and we spent so much quality time with each other last week. One day I called her and was like I am bored and came over to her place and we laughed and talked and, what can I say I am really happy I have her in my life. She is such an incredible emotionally intelligent person. What I cannot do, she can do.

You are building your team.

My team?

Saluting Captain Chiara.

Captain. Blushing You flatter me.

She is such a special person, and she loves me so much, it is an honor to be loved so honestly and wholesome. Makes me feel happy and safe, when I am with Valentina, I feel safe. Truly a wonderful best friend.

So, you have a boyfriend now?

I don`t know, yes, I guess.

Interesting, do you want to talk about dating?

I`d rather talk to him in person.

You seem like your heart is heavy.

I feel empty, drained.

What would make you feel full?

Let me feel empty today, I am allowed to feel empty.

Your feelings are valid.

I always wonder, what kinds of questions I should ask you Captain.

Why?

You are God, I should ask you some logical questions, right?

You can ask me whatever you want.

Lucifer helped me more with my feelings, you should help me with my brain.

Do you have trouble with your brain?

No actually it is pretty silent right now.

You seem frustrated Chiara. Did someone hurt you?

My bank dude hurt me; he asked me when I am gonna have the money fixed. When they take my money to spend it on stuff, no problem, I take their money, big problem. I want to plan a coup and burn 78 million dollars.

78 million dollars, wow.

Only my half.

And the other half?

Is unfortunately on the same pile.

Tuesday, 14:28

Baby, what are those tears doing in your pretty face?

It is a very emotional day, many things happened.

You are okay, my love, everything is okay, take it slow, rest, have a slow day.

I want to cry my eyes out.

Do it.

I cannot wait until I am in that fucking plane to the USA. Every single of these troubles I will leave here. The boy drama, the friend drama, the money drama, the family drama, the everything drama, I just leave it all here, this drama is getting on my nerves. I want a place to rest and to be calm, where there is no drama, where I am safe, where I am at peace. But somehow whatever comes into my life right now, brings out my dramatic Diva side, I just want to fucking chill, leave me the fuck alone. It will be a long time until I am at peace. I want to explode into one million little bits.

A lot of talks from someone who continuously strikes up Drama wherever they go.

Shut up, no I don`t.

Did you have some lunch yet?

I am gonna get a burger now.

Do that baby.

Captain, this is a fucking shit, fucking day and I fucking hate it. Cannot wait until tomorrow.

15:27

What if I am not the hero of this story, what if I am the villain?

Meaning what if you have to destroy the world not save it?

Destroy it so we can rebuild it better.

Who is we?

Me and whoever wants to be part of my team.

How come you think you are the villain?

The way I am, the way I behave. I believe I am 10/10 fully on the perfect human being and my ideals are the best ideals. I manipulate people into growth and trigger them whereever I can so they grow and become better people.

What is so bad about that?

They should grow in their own pace, and I should mind my own business, but they are so slow. Other people take ages to change, I take 5 minutes. And I realized that it is not the Drama I bring, it is the chaos. I am a master of the Chaos and wherever I go, Chaos follows. Also, I work more with dark entities than with light ones.

Well, you do talk to God.

Yeah, and I say `fuck you` frequently. Talking about blasphemy. Also, I have trouble with consistency and with being reliable, I jump out of their arms all the time. Realizing something I knew before Oh my god I am Duck.

Your tax consultant is Rudy.

Valentina is Sam.

You will find this constellation wherever you go. Even in the USA it was this constellation. Chaos can exist in two ways: A creating way, logical, slow, Helpful, light, a destroying way, impulsive, destroying, reckless. And then you have humans that can implement both but thereby never in the extreme.

Okay so wait, Duck who is very impulsive and with her impulsive decisions sets off fires but than jumps away once the fire is burning to watch the volcano explode from the distance. Rudy who with his clumsiness strikes up chaos but always makes sure to fix it and fix it even better than it was before. And Sam who follows them both around and is a warrior to her soul, brave, strong but scared.

Exactly.

But when they all get together with Duck things escalate. Especially Rudy and Duck. Things just escalate.

Yes impulsive decisions plus clumsiness creates a very healing chaos.

I think if we all would get our shit together and would stop being afraid by our feelings for one another we would own the entire world within a week.

You are too fast Chiara, give them some time.

Rolling my eyes. I don`t have time, I have everything, but I have no time.

You have time, what you are missing is patience.

Fuck patience, I want everything right now.

Did you have lunch yet?

No.

Eat.

16:00

How was the burger?

Mediocre.

Did you find the book?

I forgot it. Damn gonna have to go back.

Oh, well. 

21:30

Chiara, how are you feeling?

Broken.

Why?

I have no literal idea; I just feel so fucking sad.

Did you have dinner?

Yes, I had chicken, and rice. Went to dinner with my sibling.

Nice, very nice.

Very nice indeed.

Did you get the book I placed?

Yes, it is incredible, started reading it, got tired and slept well. I should get into the habit of reading.

Why is it, that you listen to every advice he gives you but none of mine?

Captain, I listen to every single advice I can get right now.

But his specifically.

They have proven to be good.

And mine not?

I listen to everything you tell me Captain.

Did you send more queries?

Oh, I forgot.

Any answers?

No.

Time to self-publish.

Give them another week, next Monday I will do it.

Next Monday you will be working.

Next Monday it is my birthday, and we are going on a trip.

Can you afford that trip?

My sister is paying for the trip.

How nice of her.

Very nice indeed.

Do you have a wish to die?

Oh, every day, every second Captain.

What is it about death that you desire?

The tranquility.

Happy you are still here.

I am going to bed now, sleep good Captain.

Love you Chiara, you are okay.

Love you too.

21:48

Captain, could it be that the depressions are back?

No, my love it was just a long day.

What if I fall into this hole again and cannot get out?

I will help you get out.

I want to die.

Okay. Yesterday you felt full of love, remember when in the afternoon you looked out of the window of the bus and remembered how you walked up the hill with these pills in your hand, ready to die?

Yes.

And you said to your younger self: Don`t do it, it is gonna get better.

Yes.

What happened that now you feel like dying again?

Life?

Life. Just sleep. Tomorrow is a new day.

Wednesday, 8:34

How do you feel?

The same way. Still broke, I desperately need money and also I am thinking of just disappearing and leaving my bank to their own devices.

Just take the money from your parents.

I am a fucking loser. 25 and needs money from her parents because she is an unsuccessful artist though my art is so incredibly fucking good. People are stupid not to see. It is so stupid not to buy my book, they literally miss so much truth, fucking stupid people. It has like 160 pages and is easy to read, but they come crying to me that they don't know how to change the world. Well, read my book than you know for fucks sake.

Did you have breakfast yet?

No. Captain you want to get some breakfast with me?

I would love some.

I have this new espresso cup that says, No Drama Lama on it. 

Looks more like an egg holder.

Or a shot glass.

Nice.

Screaming from the kitchen Do you want oat milk in your coffee?

Screaming back Yes, thank you.

Get my books here.

Click here to support me so I stop whining about money.

One week later

Thursday, 13:41

Captain, there is the fucking N- Word in the book you gave me.

What? Why?

For no literal fucking reason.

What did you do?

Ripped out the pages with the N- Word and now I am gonna stop reading it, thank God I didn`t pay any money for it.

Sorry Chiara, I did not know.

Weak excuse Captain, very weak excuse.

I know.

I liked the story though, my god I fucking hate racists. They destroy everything, literally everything. Things are great and fun and then racists come in and it`s dangerous and dark and scary. They rape our women and destroy our democracy. Racist should leave this country and go back to where they fucking came from.

Where did racists come from?

Their mother’s anus.

What?

They don´t deserve a spot in our beautiful diverse, colorful, loving society. They deserve a spot on a graveyard.

Bit aggressive don`t you think?

I want to go hunt some Nazis.

Okay, that is a Thursday afternoon activity.

A new voice chiming in from the back sound like fun, count me in!

What is the N- Word doing in a book?

I guess it was a back in the time it was normal type of thing?

Back in the time, Captain it was already used for discrimination. Are people not able to think with their own brain? What if people would have listened to Sophie Scholl instead of Hitler? To the SPD instead of the NSDAP. What if the soldiers would have used their own brain and would have said: No I ain`t going to war against my brothers and sisters, you wanna do it so bad, you do it by yourself. And the whole “German army” would have been 4 people crying, calling their mom.

Germany would be a very different place now.

Great! Sounds like a good fucking deal.

I agree.

Fucking hell. People are responsible for their own thoughts their own brain.

What about brain wash? What if you get taught by a very young age that this is how you treat other people?

I can expect some brain capacity from other humans. Think people. Saying “yeah that was just the olden days, yeah, my father always oppressed women so I do it too. I don`t know my dad was kind of a racist so now I am too.” Oppression is not a genetic factor. It is a question of copying and pasting morals from your parents and never thinking by yourself.

And why do you think that happens?

Yelling, getting visibly angry from having to repeat the same 4 pieces of information for years Because people refuse to think with their own fucking brain. They think their parents are happy, so if they just do it like them, they will be happy too. No responsibility over their own life, they want someone else to live for them, to take the blame for their mistakes. They are scared of changing, how ridiculous. Because they are fucking scared of living, of getting their heart broken, of embarrassing themselves, of trusting, of feeling, of being real. Yelling even louder now and it`s so fucking boring, so motherfucking boring. The same story every time, romance is dead, poetry has died, it is so fucking boring. The hamster wheel every day, the same fucking story in every movie. God I am so angry at the world. I want to set it on fire.

What?

What I love is that the demonstration against the Nazis in Leipzig was WAY bigger that the Nazi demonstration. We are far more left people now, we have to rise and hunt racists, kick their heads in and throw them out of the country. This is a community god damnit, racism, sexism, ableism, homophobia has no place here.

Okay, well

Old people love saying this excuse that this was just the way things were back then, but it is a fucking lie. It is how they were, at least take accountability, instead of voting for the afd and telling your friends you voted for the cdu. The SPD stood against the Nazis from the beginning, there where Punks, there where the Partisans, there where so many options and they consciously chose to follow the Nazis.

What do you want to do now?

Hunt. Nazis. Become the Kangaroo, abort mission and live more freely. Run away and set the Afd on fire.

Alright.

Saturday, 1:55

I think I have to end things with him.

Wow, that was fast.

Yup. Same old, same old.

I am sorry Chiara, I really thought he was special.

Well, do you know who is?

Oh, no a new boy.

Guess again.

A new girl?

No.

Tell me.

I am.

You are.

 He did not want to merch souls.

Who is doing you taxes now?

A monkey?

Sure yeah.

I have to get up in three hours.

Three hours?

Yup. To work at the market, with him and after the market I have a 2 hour break and then I work in the restaurant.

Why can`t you sleep?

Too many thoughts, too many feelings.

What feelings?

Hurt, disappointment, boredom.

Sounds like you need a cigarette.

Sounds like I need 50 thousand euros.

It`s your birthday on Monday, right?

Yes.

You doing something?

Yeah, like I said, I am going on vacation with my sister and my niece.

Sounds nice.

Yup.

You want to try and sleep again?

Gonna smoke a ciggi first.

Do that.

Monday, 11:45

Happy Birthday Chiara.

Thank you, Captain.

You will be okay, Chiara.

This night was the fucking wildest night of my life.

It`s okay they are gone, and you are safe, you have your solitude back, you are safe. They can`t hurt you anymore.

That’s all I needed. I have my energy for myself again.

What do you want to do now?

Eat some Carbonara and you?

Give you a little kiss on the forehead.

I am so excited to be on that plane.

I know.

I love you Chiara.

I love you too Captain.

I have feelings for him, Captain.

It will pass, you know it already, he wanted to be like everyone else, let him be like everyone else and move on. Next time, don`t be so desperate.

You know it ain`t too bad, because I will be loved.

You do.

Captain?

Yes?

I think I am done with this column.

What are you gonna do instead?

I don`t know yet.

12:24

Did you actually love him though?

It`s over, that is all that matters.

Wow you fall in love fast.

I am an idiot, that’s why.

No, you are not an idiot. You are easy to impress.

I guess.

I`m sorry.

You don`t have to be sorry.

Okay.

Captain, can I talk to Lucifer now?

You can.

Lucifer?

Hello.

How are you?

Indeed, very good thank you. Do you want me to give him hell?

Revenge is for the weak, the strong ones forgive.

Smart choice.

Yep.

How boring.

It is boring, right?

Happy birthday, Chiara.

My brain hurts so much.

Why?

I drank so much alcohol last night.

Did you get drunk?

I didn`t even want to get drunk. I wanted to rest, I wanted to sleep in big strong arms. I wanted to feel protected and safe and a place where I can relax. But the night was stronger.

Maybe you are just weak.

No, I am very strong.

What are you gonna do now?

Continue living?

Good choice.

Very good choice.

Silent nodding.

Lucifer, you wanna know a little fun fact?

Sure yes.

I never wanted to make it to 26. Since I was 14, it was my dream to kill myself with 25. Now I am 26 and still alive.

Who gives a shit?

I do. I am very proud.

Ah, pride. An exhausting feeling because it won`t hold on for too long. After pride comes the truth and then you ugly cry again.

I look beautiful when I cry.

You tell that yourself.

Fuck you.

Should I leave?

No please, stay.

Okay.

What is the deal with hate?

You hate someone, you love someone.

No difference?

Both is passion.

And what about passion?

Passion is all that matters. What brings you passion is what you need.

I have a lot of passion.

You are also gonna be deaf soon, if you don`t stop listening to music so loud.

Turns the music even louder

This burns.

Okay but starts singing if you like Piña Colada

Chiara, please.

Do you like to dance Lucifer?

I don`t like things.

Okay sorry.

I either hate them or I love them.

No in between?

No.

My oh my, we have more similarities than I`d like.

Do you still hear his soul?

What do you think why the music is so loud?

Do you want me to give him hell?

He is who he is.

What?

I cannot expect a volcano from a mountain.

What?

I cannot take silver for gold and expect it to be platinum.

Well, the offer still stands. Say the word and I will haunt him.

He knows very well that I am weak and that I will run right back into his arms one hundred million times.

Why? You are so strong.

Because I don`t actually want to leave him, I want to come closer. But I can`t, he doesn’t allow me to come closer, so I have to leave.

That sounds complicated and so fucking boring.

You are over bored Lucifer.

And self-assured.

I just wanted passion from him, I just wanted to get what I gave him.

You sound like Billie Eilish.

And it hits home so much. He doesn’t want to go to work with two hours of sleep in his brain on my birthday and I can`t sleep since I met him.

Is he haunting you?

Feels like it.

Did you think of making a binding spell?

What does that mean?

It is a spell, that ends the connection, you won`t have access to each other’s energy anymore, the love, the passion, the feelings, it will all be gone.

Is that not a bit childish?

Growing up is not really part of my character sheet.

Mine neither. I will do that spell on Friday; it should be New Moon then.

Do you know that you are beautiful?

Lucifer, are you flirting with me?

Yes.

I am not engaging in flirting ever again. Fucking sucks.

Don`t give up.

My brain hurts.

Chiara?

Yes, Captain?

Can I go?

Captain?

Lucifer?

Wow, we didn`t see us since you send me to hell.

I didn`t send you to hell I gave you hell.

I was not allowed in your club of logical beings.

Well, you are not very logical.

And you don`t have any feelings.

I do have feelings.

Sure, and you always make the right decision, the smart decision, the responsible decision.

What is so wrong about that?

It`s fucking boring.

Guys, this will confuse the living Jesus out of my readers.

Hey, what’s up?

Jesus, not you too.

Am I not invited to the cookout?

This is not a cookout; this is a column.

Chiara, why do your eyes look like that? Did you cry?

She did.

What happened?

She fell in love with her tax consultant.

Oh. You shouldn’t fall in love with tax consultants.

Sighing I know, because they just want to break your heart and don`t have any feelings.

Why is the music so loud?

His soul won’t stop talking to her.

Guess he cares about you, very much. But hurt people hurt people. 

Lucifer And hurt people end up with me and I have to help them.

Captain You are also hurt Lucifer.

Lucifer Don`t say my name like that.

Captain Like what?

Lucifer Like you know who you are fucking talking to.

Guys, please.

I`m not a guy.

Sorry Lucifer.

Me neither.

Sorry God.

I am.

Okay Jesus.

But I do understand that you mean guys figuratively speaking.

Okay Jesus.

Jesus Use the correct pronouns or go to hell.

I can help with that!

Chiara Lucifer, hell ain`t real.

Really, then where do I live?

In your mama’s basement!

Disappointment in my voice Captain, please!

What? Hell is the basement.

Is hell actually a place where sinners go?

Lucifer laughing Sins are not real. You can sin, I don`t give a shit what you are doing.

So how do you get to hell?

You follow me or I follow you.

Well, you seem kinda nice.

I am.

Why is everyone scared of you?

Jesus yelling from the back Because he is a fucking impulsive bitch that cannot make up his mind and cannot be trusted.

Chiara’s voice getting high Oh my god, I am an impulsive bitch that cannot make up her mind and cannot be trusted.

Touching hands; Lucifer Oh my god twinsies.

I need a Tylenol people.

16:12

Chiara, do you think that maybe you have a tad of an insecure attachment style?

Yes Captain, I am very sure of it.

Do you think that maybe you might be desperately looking for love?

I do.

Did you think of revisiting therapy?

Oh, leave the poor girl alone God. She is doing a great fucking Job. I am proud of you baby.

But I am emotionally unavailable Lucifer.

Who isn`t?

I should go to therapy.

Go if you want to but you can also just fucking chill.

Valentina pissed me off so much last night.

What did she do?

She can behave however she wants, and I forgave her, I behave like shit because I felt like shit, and she never wants to talk to me again. Fucking double standards.

You are gonna release the binds on Friday and, by Monday you will have forgotten both of them.

I don`t have any money Lucifer. The money from my parents barely covers the costs and as it turns out I am fucking screwed.

There is a spell, that can help with that.

What do I need for it?

River water, cinnamon, Rosemary, a hair of yours and some silver.

Okay nice.

You combine it in a little jar and put the jar under your pillow for 3 days. After three days, you leave it in the forest under a green tree and Bam, money will arrive the next day.

Thank you, Lucifer, that is very helpful.

You see Captain, I actually help her with practical tips. Your logical way of speaking everything through is just boring and unhelpful.

I do help her!

Lucifer Sure, what was your last tip to cool her mind? Read more? What a bullshit, what is reading gonna do? How about: Drink a mint tea and smoke a joint, go on vacation.

Captain Sure, Lucifer, because you believe in this fairy, utopia world, where headaches can be saved by mint and toxic relationships can be solved by anti-Binding spells.

Lucifer Why would I have a hard life and struggle when I can solve my Problems with easy and quick solutions, Captain?

Captain Reading is a quick solution.

Lucifer Some of us cannot sit still long enough.

Captain And some of us should work on that and figure it out.

Lucifer Why do I always have to change? Why can`t you chill the fuck out and stop taking yourself so damn serious God?

Captain I am not taking myself seriously.

Chiara Okay people, can we talk about me again?

Lucifer You are getting on my fucking nerves God. Athena!

Athena What seems to be the problem?

Lucifer God is pissing me off, we need a solution.

Athena You two should get married.

I would rather set fire to the entire world, then marry the captain.

You would be happy to be married with me! You`d be honored.

I`d be damned.

You are Lucifer you are already damned!

Athena screaming loud, haling through my brain Shut up. She turns to me  Chiara, my love, happy birthday. How are you?

I think I am dead. That little Lion Guy protégé of yours broke my heart.

He is such an asshole. I am sorry I let you part ways, you will be okay my love.

Can I come to the Olympus with you?

When you are dead, you are happily invited, but for now the humans need you.

The humans can suck my ass for all I know.

You need a little nap baby.

20:30

Lucifer Chiara?

Yes?

How are you?

Incredibly tired.

Do you still think of him?

Mister Bare Minimum? Yeah, a lot I wonder what I could have done different, and I think that maybe I did indeed overreact.

You wanna tell him you`re sorry?

I cannot, drunk Chiara has deleted the chat and his number.

That was smart, because don`t you dare texting mister bare minimum.

I also have a lot of fun with my niece. She is currently on the keyboard and typing.

Tuesday, 13:43

I don`t want to say sorry to him, hanging out with me and spending time with me was an obligation for him. He is free of me now and doesn’t have to spend time with me anymore. And I am free of his bullshit.

Chiara, I want to offer it one more time, I can send a demon after him.

Okay, do it.

Really?

Yep. Give it all.

I promise.

Lucifer, what is the meaning of life?

Sex, drugs and Rock n` Roll.

Really?

Yes.

14:27

Why did he make me feel like an obligation?

Lucifer Can you stop talking about him, for fucks sake Chiara, no one gives a shit about you and your tax consultant or how do you call him now? Mister Bare Minimum? Go and set his car on fire and stop being so fucking desperate.

My sister said the same thing.

Well, maybe you should listen to us.

Do you have a nickname?

No.

Luci maybe?

What?

Short for Lucifer.

No.

How do I make a Binding spell?

You take two big candles and write your name on one, his name on the other. You wrap a band around it, one round for one month. You then say you end the connection and light the candles, yours first. You wait until it is all burned and shake yourself out. You are free of him and every trace of his energy.

Smiling Lucifer?

Yes?

Can we set the world on fire?

Tomorrow you will understand.

Fuck this shit.

18:45

Athena, how are you?

Why do you ask me such dumb questions, I am a god how would I be feeling?

Your little Lion Guy said you were cheated on by Zeus.

Zeus was my father. I never in my entire life had a husband and never touched a man in my life. Why would I allow this low, disgusting, energy in my life?

Because Sex is nice?

Did someone brainwash you?

Maybe you need to educate your little protégé.

Maybe I need to wash his brain and let him see the truth, maybe I need to take these patches off his eyes and force him to live in reality. Give him the pain he caused in you and set his car in fire.

Let me do the car part, you do the other part. Lucifer is sending in the demon and on Friday I will do a Binding spell and forget everything about him.

Athena Sounds like a plan to me.

Lucifer I agree.

We give each other a high five

Jesus Or new theory: You just forgive him?

Captain I agree.

Chiara Oh shut up you too, no one asked for your opinion.

Jesus Be the bigger person or be the one to suffer.

19:28

How do I curse someone Lucifer?

You tell me their name and tell me what should happen to them.

Okay I will give you a list of people who I gave the world to, and they used my good energy.

Deal, how many people are we talking here?

Like 176.

Wow Chiara, you have to stop hanging out with everyone.

I know I will be more conscious in the future, but first let them suffer for the pain they have caused me.

Okay, so you give me the list and let the list in your shoe for three days after three days you burn it, and they will go through literal fucking hell.

Thank you.

I will protect you, forever Chiara.

22:03

I feel like tomorrow is gonna be a very special day, like tomorrow everything will be different.

Because it will be,

I did not do the curses thing; I should just forgive.

Drink your Martini.

22:40

I texted him.

Why?

 I had to tell him that he cannot work on the market anymore.

Why?

I cannot see him every Saturday, he does not want to be with me, and I have to accept that. Seeing him will break my heart again.

Why?

So, turns out he is teaming up with my friends now.

I am telling you this man loves you.

I am telling you; this man does not give a shit about me.

Well, that’s one way to interpret it.

Love should not be on my plate right now, there is so much I have to bring under control, so much I have to do, so much I have to understand.

You want to be friends with him?

I can`t.

Why?

Take me to hell Lucifer.

You are in hell. Welcome, this is what it is. Obsession, insecurity, pain, debts, confusion. This is what hell is, welcome, you are in it.

I fucking hate it.

Learn to love it.

I want to scream.

You want to be with him.

He does not want to be with me.

He made that very obvious.

Why did I meet him?

To learn how to walk away.

Again?

You did not learn it yet.

Why was it so nice with him though?

Because you are a nice person, and he masked you.

Fuck.

Yeah, fuck. Welcome to hell baby.

What would you do in my situation?

Laugh and take care of my debts.

I cannot get out of my debts.

You could sell me your soul.

How much is my sell worth?

7 million Euros.

What will you do with my soul?

Take it to hell and because we are friends I would take good care of it.

A friend of mine is in a psych ward because I opened up her spiritual doors.

Were you honest to her?

Yes, very honest.

I am proud of you.

22:58

A stranger just gifted me a pack of cigarettes and I cried because it was so sweet.

Because he had enough, and you needed it.

I filled so many cups full of love that my cup is empty now.

Learn to fill their cup when they proved they are gonna give something back.

23:08

Lucifer everyone is crazy.

You are welcome.

He is not answering anymore, and Valentina is telling me one of us has to die and she is sorry that it is gonna be me.

You wanted to set his car on fire.

Not actually, I wasn`t gonna do it.

You cursed him and sent the devil after him.

They are crazy because I am.

They are crazy because that is what life is.

What is gonna happen tomorrow?

Many, very great things, you will get a lot of presents, don`t go to bed just now. Allow crazy to unfold a little longer.

Why did I turn my cellphone on?

Because you knew you had to.

Captain?

Waking up from a nap Yes?

I opened many doors.

Started a couple of fires and don`t know how to deal with them now?

Yup.

Let them both go. You knew he was gonna ghost you and you knew she was gonna make you seem crazy. It is who they are.

I should not have written him that whole ass paragraph.

We did learn some time ago, that paragraphs belong in person and not in text but what is done is done, yes?

Yeah. Fucking hell.

Go for a walk, have another cigarette, go to sleep, tomorrow will be a new day, I promise you.

Lucifer I promise you too.

I trust you. Both of you.

Well, if you don`t trust god and the devil, who are you gonna trust?

24:08

They are gone.

How do you feel?

Free.

One week later

Thursday, 21:30

Captain, why am I so scared of losing people?

Because you were abandoned as a child quite a lot.

How do I let it go? Pulling on my cigarette, sitting at work at the last table in the row.

I will take it off you, open up your heart.

Okay, I open my heart.

Give it to me, I can handle it. Touching my heart, doing reki movements. Take a breath.

I feel lighter.

It is gone, go back to work.

Friday, 19:47

Luci?

Who the fuck you calling Luci?

You?

Chiara, you call me Luci one more time and I will take your soul to hell, drag it through the pool of desperation and sell it to the highest bidder.

Sorry baby.

Oh my god did you just call me baby?

Is that okay?

Of course, my love.

So we good?

We flippin baby.

Did I actually curse him?

I did send a demon, but the demon was quite nice. He is sweet, don`t hurt him, he has a kind heart.

I will do my best.

Thank you.

I got myself some flowers today and got into talking with the woman who works there, she was so sweet.

Did you make a friend?

We will see.

Do you feel guilty for your friend who is in the psychiatry hospital?

I feel responsible, not guilty.

You have to know, that not everyone can handle your level of crazy.

Yeah, got that.

But there is someone who loves your crazy.

Is it you?

No.

Is it me?

It is the people who like to be challenged.

Am I a narcissist?

No.

On the 11^th of September I will read my book in the restaurant I work at.

Really?

Yeah, I made some flyers, am quite excited.

Nice!

Jesus?

Yup.

What’s up?

Nothing, you?

Nothing, you?

Hanging in there.

Feeling good?

Feeling good.

Is there something about you, that you want humans to know?

Back in my time, I was not as liked as everyone thinks I was. I was hated, widespread hated around my town. I was not celebrated as a hero and people were quite happy when they killed me. The only people who believed in me were my 13 friends, my mom and my dad. Everyone else called me crazy and turned their back on me.

Did you actually heal people?

Yes, but not physically. Spiritually.

Very interesting. And the guy you gave the eyesight back?

Overexaggerated. I opened his third eye and brother started seeing ghosts. My, oh my, the towns people did not like that.

Yeah, I figured.

Athenas voice from the back Chiara, take a nap, you are overtired.

Sorry guys, Mama said I have to go to bed.

All Good night, Chiara.

Good night people.

Saturday, 13:14

Lucifer, I am not having a very good day.

Why not?

I feel like crying, I feel sad, I feel burned out, my ears are burning I have heard too much, I want to cut them off, both of them, clean off.

Sounds like you need a break.

How long is this gonna go on?

The stress?

The sound.

What sound?

The constant sound around me adding to the constant sound in my head.

What sound in your head?

The beeping, the surring, the music and oh, yes, the 16 different souls who talk to me.

Do you want us to stop talking to you?

Talking one after the other would be kinda nice.

We can do that.

My brain is exploding.

Didn`t you just come back from vacation?

A very loud vacation.

Maybe two days did not really do the job and your private life is a lot right now. Many things are changing, you need to build yourself a place of security and you need to implement stability.

This week was emotionally a fucking roller coaster. But am I still talking to Lucifer, cause you sound like the captain.

Lucifer screaming from the back She got you, little bitch.

Captain Hey! Who you calling little bitch for?

Chiara screaming I will put my head in the freezer.

Lucifer Do you have weed?

I will get some tonight.

You should sleep Chiara.

I can`t sleep, my brain is too loud.

All Sorry.

I will sleep when September ends.

Monday, 01:05

I put too much salt in my food.

Lucifer Are you in love?

Yes, that and very sleep deprived.

Lucifer What will you do tomorrow?

Sleep and visit a friend in the hospital.

Lucifer And what else?

Work on my behavior. I realized that I hurt quite a lot of people with the way I behave.

Specify please.

I am constantly trying to protect myself so in order to keep people who are special to me away from my core, I try my best to make them feel unspecial, like they are one of a thousand. But it`s bullshit. I think everyone is toxic and keep my guard up. Do you understand me?

No.

I never want people to know how much I actually like them.

Like a cat.

The fact that I purr when I am in your arms, does not mean that I like you.

You are very influenced by me, do you know that?

What a weird fucking thing to say Lucifer.

Their pain, shows you, they like you. You are hurting people with your behavior, because it shows you that they care about you. You are scared that they are lying to you and planning on abandoning you. Fear of abandonment. You have to let it go.

How?

Give it to me. Close your eyes.

Closing my eyes, breathing deep, two warm hands on my shoulder.

It is gone.

Okay.

Do you feel changed?

No.

You will.

Okay.

Little drama Lama.

On Thursday I did the Binding spell.

Did it work?

Nope.

For someone who wants to get closer to him, you are really trying your hardest to escape. What if you just let him in?

Yeah, what if?

Like a duck.

Can you stop comparing me to animals?

If you would be an animal, what would you be?

With the brightest smile on my face A Panda.

Imagine pandas don’t exist, what would you be?

A bird, an eagle or a colibri.

Imagine they also don`t exist, who would you be?

A panther.

Theory is your first animal is how you want to be perceived. A panda. You want to be perceived as rare, sweet, adorable, hungry, nice, chill, fun and fucking dangerous.

Okay, yeah that fits.

The second is how you are actually perceived. A bird. Free, carefree, free of rules, jumpy, not very loyal, elegant, beautiful, colorful, not able to stay in one place, not open to actual bindings but well, very free.

Yeah, that fits too.

Who you actually are is a panther. Elegant, fast, wonderful, self-centered. Dangerous, strong, hiding in the back, attacks out of the dark, unexpected, unpredictable, very loyal to your principals. Hungry for adventure.

That is my core.

Hungry for adventure. But you keep expecting something to happen, instead of making it happen.

How do I make something happen?

You just do it.

I am tired.

Go to sleep.

Monday, 12:03

Walking through the forest, the Captain on my right and Lucifer on my left

Me I think my problem is that I don`t act intentionally. I just do whatever and not really think about it.

Lucifer Amazing.

Captain And this is how you hurt people.

Me How do I change my behavior?

Captain You think before you speak.

Lucifer BORING

Me I hurt people with my behavior.

Lucifer People get hurt all the time; they need to get their feeling hurt. Someone`s gotta do it.

Captain What a stupid thing to say.

Lucifer Suck my ass.

Me I was thinking of eating a sandwich for lunch.

Both very interested, big eyes on me What kind of sandwich?

Me Prosciutto cotto with cheese.

Lucifer That sounds delicious.

Captain Oh yes it does.

Me I was thinking of making some fries with it, so it gets this vacation feeling.

Lucifer Some rum and coke with it?

Me My liver would hate me for that.

Captain Just some coke? Ice cold? With some lemons?

Me What I would also love, would be some nuggets, chicken fingers with spicy sauce.

Captain Amazing idea.

Me You guys think that maybe the weed is the problem? That it traps me in my own world? I realized, I become more reckless once I smoke weed.

Lucifer You lean back now into his arms and see how you will be caught.

Me Sounds scary.

Captain But yes, the weed is not doing you good lately.

Me Weed is just somehow something I do and then I feel like I should stop talking. It takes my ability to talk.

Lucifer You cannot walk around the world, worrying about other people’s feelings all the time, you cannot get things done like this.

Captain But you could care about the feeling of the people you love.

Me Or hate.

Lucifer Maybe they love you for your reckless behavior. Maybe what they love the most about you is that they know, you will always choose yourself.

Me I don`t always choose myself.

Captain Self-centered bitch.

Me I was also thinking of eating Pasta e ceci.

Captain What is that?

Me My favorite food in this entire world, even though I get a stomach pain from it.

Lucifer Why?

Me I don`t tolerate tomatoes very well.

Lucifer And there are tomatoes in it?

Me Yeah it is tomatoes with chickpeas and soup. You put that in a blender, back to the pot, let is simmer and put pasta in it, let it cook for 15 minutes and serve it with olive oil and parmigiano.

Captain That sounds fucking amazing.

Me It was an old farmer’s dish. You know in Tuscany many people worked in the mountains and all they had to cook was one pot and a fire. It was also very cold, so you needed something to warm your heart. 

Lucifer Why is it your favorite food?

Me It warms my heart.

14:22

Lucifer Did you dress up to visit your friend in the hospital?

Me If she kills me, I look pretty.

Captain How would she kill you; you are taking your strong boyfriend.

Me The lord has their tricky ways of operating.

Captain No I don’t.

Lucifer Yes you do.

Captain You are divinely protected Chiara.

Me Let me wear my pretty dress, I am throwing a blazer over it and wearing schläpps to calm it down.

Lucifer You are so weird Chiara.

Me I was also thinking of making burgers tonight.

Captain moth watering Hmmm burgers. How I miss food.

Me Miss food? Are you implying you were a human once?

Lucifer We both were.

Me Wow.

Tuesday, 12:19

Lucifer You look happy.

Me I am.

Captain Happy for you.

Me I have a headache though.

Captain Why?

Me Not enough water and too many worries.

Lucifer What are you worrying about?

Me That no one will come to my reading, most people cannot make it, it is a Wednesday, and it is at a difficult time.

Captain Shouldn’t you just be grateful and happy, that you got this opportunity in the first place no matter how many people attempt?

Me I got this opportunity from working hard.

Lucifer In this case you should be proud that you got this opportunity.

Me I am very proud. Free myself from the outcome and let go of expectations. I think I have to go to the gym more.

Lucifer Why?
Me It gives me confidence and if I go more regularly, like I used to, the muscle soreness will disappear.

Captain Do what you want, but don`t do too much, otherwise you will end up burned out again. Did you think of doing Yoga, working with this feeling of restlessness and go to the gym tomorrow?

Me Sure yeah, why not, I don`t really care. I just feel like moving.

Lucifer And I don`t feel like dancing.

14:11

Me I claim back my energy, from every person, every moment, every second I have left it and give back energy I took from other people.

Captain Amen.

Me I am successful, strong, organized and complete all by myself. Every person that is in my life is a cherry on top of a wonderful cake.

Lucifer Say it louder.

Me I fill my own cup first, before I fill the cup of others, and I never let my cup run empty.

Captain Amen.

Me I don`t need anyone to survive, I can survive on my own. Who is in my life, is there for their free choosing.

Lucifer All right.

Me I let go of old trauma and welcome healthy connections with strong boundaries. I see people for who they actually are, not their potential.

Captain Where do those thoughts come from?

Me I realized I have a fearful avoidant attachment style.

Lucifer No shit sherlock.

Me And I realized that this means I put people on a pedestal and make them responsible for my happiness, which gives them a lot of power over my life. I believe my survival is attached to them and they are important for me to survive.

Captain And you gotta let this go.

Lucifer Cause those relationships run on your energy, not on theirs, not on 50/ 50. When you are weak and cannot give energy anymore, this will damage the relationship.

Me So I take this chance that I have now and work through it.

Captain You are so smart.

Lucifer You are so wonderful.

Me I put myself first. I fill my own cup first. I put myself first, I am my highest priority.

Lucifer Good.

Me Maybe I should not have started all those things cause now I gotta pull back from all of it. What if they leave when I put myself first?

Lucifer If they leave, they were with you to steal your energy, so you don`t need them. If they come closer, they support your growth, and you want them in your life.

Me How do I put myself first?

Captain What do you want right now? What are your goals?

Me A healthy body, a healthy mind, a successful business, a full bank account, a healthy relationship and passion wherever I go.

Lucifer And what do you need to do for that?

Me Meditate, work, eat healthy, work out, feel my feelings, the nature, get out there and promote myself, journal, work with my spirits, read, dance, take care of my beauty.

Captain Do you realize, that you are doing this?

Me Now that you say it, I do.

Lucifer You could stop smoking and work on your confidence, you are so easy to be made insecure.

Me True.

Captain You move your body daily, you work on your business, you go to the forest at least once a week, you journal, which is your column, you work with your spirits, you take care of your beauty, you work 3 jobs, the only thing you could do more, is meditation and reading.

Me Oh my god, I am doing a good job.

Lucifer Yes.

Me I am exactly who I want to be, I even got my debts almost completely payed off. I am where I want to be.

Lucifer And you got so many more great places to go.

Me Wow.

Captain Keep repeating to yourself, that you don`t need anyone for your survival. You are an adult; you can survive on your own. Put yourself first.

Tuesday, 16:28

Me I am so desperate to be loved.

Captain Kinda normal.

Lucifer Eww desperation, stop it. Get some confidence.

Me How do I get confidence?

Lucifer You realize that you are not a princess, you are a warrior. You are a descendent of Lilith and were created by

Me Lucifer stop, a god complex won`t help.

Lucifer You are so boring Chiara.

Wednesday, 12:00

Me I love how my sibling says sorry every morning for waking me up and I come home at night from work eat, heat up my food, make so many noises and it`s never a problem.

Lucifer Did you try being more silent?

Me The more I try, the louder it gets.

Captain How you feeling?

Me Quite good actually. Tired, I have never been this tired in my life, but good.

Lucifer Did you realize how you are holding yourself back?

Me I did, but I cannot do anything about it.

Lucifer You can`t or you don`t want to?

Me I don`t want to.

Captain Yet.

Me I thought a lot about reality today and how we cannot prove that we are real.

Captain You don`t have to prove it, you just know.

Lucifer Don`t reinvent the wheel and don`t break your brain over broken bones.

Captain What makes you feel real?

Me Sex, dancing, eating, laughing, pain.

Captain Pain?

Lucifer She is a Scorpio ascending.

Captain Right.

Me Feeling my feelings, being alive, you know.

Captain Being alive makes you feel real?

Me Yes.

Lucifer Way to go baby, way to go.

Me You guys want some Pizza?

Captain What about your past? Do you still think of it?

Me I forgive myself, I did what I thought was right to the knowledge I had, to the capacity that was within my reach.

Captain Did you forgive them?

Me They did what they did according to what they thought was the right thing to do, within the capacity of their reach.

Lucifer But did you forgive them?

Me They did what they did.

Lucifer looking deep into my eyes But did you forgive them?

Me The past is in the past.

Captain Another fridge magnet philosophy.

Lucifer What is on the Pizza?

Me Of course I forgave them.

Captain Give me some pizza.

One week later

Me Do I treat the people in my life like a sidekick?

Captain Do you see yourself as the main Character?

Me Is it wrong of me to see my life as a movie or a series?

Lucifer No, not at all.

Captain Does it make you feel disconnected to reality?

Me What even is reality?

Captain Whatever you want it to be.

Me I want it to be a 100 season show.

Captain What would be the intro?

Me So sprach Zarazusthra

Lucifer Do you think you are god?

Me I know I am god.

Thursday 09:31

Lucifer Why are you awake at this time?

Me I had to pee.

Saturday, 15:38

Me I feel so fucking overwhelmed right now.

Lucifer You`re just tired.

Me I wanna die.

Lucifer Not this again.

Me My brain is burning.

Lucifer It`s not.

Me I feel like it.

Lucifer It is not as dramatic as it feels like.

Me I can`t breathe.

Captain You are having a panic attack, breathe.

Me I can`t.

Captain Call someone.

Me No.

Lucifer Why?

Me I`m strong enough to do it on my own.

Lucifer You are but you don`t have to.

Me They won`t help me, they will make it worse.

Captain What do you need right now?

Me A four month vacation.

Lucifer You will get that.

Me I am burning out.

Captain You will be okay.

Lucifer You are okay.

Me Nothing ever happens.

Captain And you wonder.

Me I want to die.

Lucifer You want to rest.

Me I want to stop breathing.

Lucifer You want to rest.

Me I want to kill myself.

Lucifer You want to kill the parts of you that make you feel this way. We will do that together on Sunday.

Me I want to hurt myself.

Captain You want to feel alive.

Lucifer Old memories, you will feel better after some shadow work.

Me I want to cut my arms open.

Captain You want a prove yourself that you are still alive.

Lucifer Get up and dance, dance it out.

18:35

Me I think my depressions are back.

Athena These last weeks have been much, is it depressions or have you just had a panic attack, got up at 5 in the morning and need a rest.

Me I`m in pain Athena.

Athena I know baby.

Me My head, it hurts.

Athena I know my love, I`m sorry.

Me I want to disappear for a while, live on an island.

Athena Sounds great.

Me I hate my brain, so much.

Athena Why?

Me It tells me so many things I don`t want to hear. Sometimes it finds an on switch and tortures me. I hate it so much.

Athena Some people turn their heart off, other people turn their brain off. At some point everything you swept under the rug will get to you. Better you do it controlled in shadow work, than uncontrolled in a panic attack and leave the day with a concussion.

Me I am so difficult to be loved.

Athena You are loved.

Me I have to work as a bouncer tonight.

Athena Call in sick, look at yourself. You look like shit. You think with those big eyes anyone is gonna respect you?

Me But I need the money.

Athena You don`t.

18:45

Me So I called someone, and it did not help.

Athena You just called the wrong person, someone who has no capacity for you right now and that is okay. Have a beer baby.

20:24

Me I am having the beer with my neighbors.

Jesus Do you feel better?

Me I hit my head during my panic attack it hurts and it burns. I just want to forget my entire existence.

Jesus Don`t.

Me My old neighbor told me the story of a man who would work on the market every week for 10 hours a day to afford visiting a woman just to talk to her for hours.

Jesus How beautiful.

Me That’s the kind of love story I want. Not the one where I feel like an option, like a Plan B, like he doesn`t give a shit about me.

Jesus You can talk about your needs, you know.

Me I am talking to walls, nothing ever happens.

Jesus And you wonder. I love you.

Me I love you too.

Jesus Talk to you later.

Me I feel like not much is gonna happen tonight.

Jesus These are the kind of nights that are bound to escalate.

Me Amen.

Sunday, 4:03

Me I went to work

Captain & Lucifer And?

Me It was fucking amazing.

Lucifer to Captain Told you she would like it.

Me Being a bouncer is my new favorite job in the world, I get paid to sit there say no to people and listen to music. Also made great and amazing connections.

Lucifer And?

Me I am happy I am alive. I will take a shower now eat Carbonara and sleep until I am not tired anymore. Then I will go to my parents, eat lasagna and stay with them for a night and then I will be so fucking busy with work and preparing for my reading. Life is good.

Captain The entire universe is rooting for you.

Lucifer We are on your side and will do anything to support you.

Athena You are very brave, and I am very proud of you.

Jesus You will achieve great things in life, effortlessly.

Me I love you guys.

All We love you too, stay Chiara, stay. 

Monday, 13:36

Me It was a cord cutting ritual, not a binding spell.

Lucifer Exactly, you cut the soul tie.

Monday, 20:31

Lucifer Are you wearing one of those ridiculous face masks again?

Me It`s called self-care lucifer.

Lucifer What about shadow work? Is that self-care?

Me Very much.

Lucifer Do you want me to tell you how to do it? It is one of my specialties.

Me Hit me.

Lucifer You take those dark sides of you, these triggers, everything you don`t want to see and you see it. Everything you explain yourself for and feel it, feel the discomfort, sit in a comfortable position and close your eyes. Let me open them for you. Meditate and let the memories flood your mind.

Me What will happen?

Lucifer What is meant to happen. You will feel broken, sad and lonely, you will remember. You will remember all those times your heart broke in a million pieces.

Me Any music I should listen to for it?

Lucifer Specific mediation songs, that bring out those dark traumas, check you tube for it.

Me Will I cry?

Lucifer You will feel pain, horrible pain your dreams will be awful. You will realize that your shadow is who you are. Without this darkness you are nothing. You don`t exist. Your light is out.

Me Will I change from it?

Lucifer You will turn into who you actually are.

Me Who am I?

Lucifer A poet, a pirate, a witch, a soldier, a warrior, a bitch. The way I know you, you only talk when you have something to say. You frequently made us feel like you speak a different language to everyone around you. You only speak when you care, and you have always been very self-involved though you would always get up for those who don`t have a voice. You are the way you are because you are scared of being alone, when actually alone is who you are. Your power is in your talent of being alone, of being hyper independent.

Me I am.

Lucifer Time for some shadow work. For sitting in silence, letting me show you the parts of you that bleed, that hurt, the parts of you, you hate.

Tuesday, 8:54

Captain Good morning.

Me Good morning.

Captain How you feeling?

Me Free.

Captain Let your new life begin.

Tuesday, 18:28

Me Doing this new thing where I set boundaries.

Captain Way to go!

Lucifer How does it feel?

Me Like I am gonna lose a lot of people.

Lucifer People you lose by setting boundaries is not losing people, it`s losing a burden, it`s losing empty weight.

Captain Remember a boundary is not making requests, it`s: “If you continue doing this, I am going to do this.”

Me Like if you don`t respect my time, I will not spend time with you anymore.

Lucifer Harsh but yes.

Me How can I set softer boundaries?

Captain By setting them earlier, so you don`t have to set harsh boundaries. By setting them before it`s too late, by setting them before they got used to walking all over you. Once they got used to walking all over you, you will have to set harsh and mean boundaries.

Me Are they gonna stay?

Captain Yes, if they value your growth they will. There are people that celebrate you for setting them boundaries and they are gonna stay. Everyone else will leave your life the same way they came in, fast and without further notice.

Me Always the same fucking story.

Lucifer You will be surprised how great things turn out for you once you stop being so scared of being left alone.

Captain Also, by setting boundaries you give your surroundings the freedom to set boundaries. Your relationships will benefit from that.

Me I am sure they will but they think I am being angry when I set a boundary. Also I am too pushy with specific people and too careless with other people.

Lucifer How is your mental health?

Me I am still alive.

Lucifer Is that the new standard?

Me It`s all I have to know.

Captain All righty then.

21:48 Tuesday

Me sitting in a dark room with only a candle lit, eating Nacho Cheese Tortillas, randomly high, extraordinarily exited for tomorrow, hungry as a bear, calling on the souls of God, the Captain and Lucifer, while maintaining spiritual protection in the medium of a MacBook; I think I am a narcissist.

Lucifer Not this again.

God I thought your mum tested you.

Me A psychopath?

Captain You or your Mother?

Me Me, silly.

God Explain why.

Me I am extremely good in manipulating my surroundings, I talk about myself mostly, I have a million masks I put on so they will like me, I am not even sure who I am anymore. I have a special talent which is writing, I am never vulnerable, never, not for one second. I know exactly that I am who has the most attention in the room. No one is as interesting as me, even if I am not in the spotlight, I am the spotlight, I am the sun.

Lucifer That is not what you said before. Repeat the exact same words as before.

Me I don`t want a love story like everyone else’s, I don`t want to be anxiously attached and be with someone who is avoidantly attached, and it is just a toxic relationship and we just trauma bonded. Because this means that I fit in a box, that I have the same problems as everyone else. This means that I am like everyone else.

Captain What is so bad about being like everyone else?

Me I want to be special; I want to be the only one that ever goes anywhere, I want to be on the top. I want to be the only human being on earth, on the entire planet, in the entire universe.

Lucifer You fucking megalomaniac.

Captain You have such an extreme desire to be special, because in your family this was the only way to survive. You are not a child anymore; you are an adult.

Me feelings of discomfort rise up in my chest, I fall back into the couch ashamed of my own truth I wanna die.

Lucifer screaming, heavily gesticulating You want to kill the parts of you that are like this. You want to change!

Me screaming while spitting nacho pieces on god who is standing right in front of me, protecting Lucifer and the Captain from my spit I can`t fucking change, I tried many times.

God Stop talking, just stop.

Me My god I wanna go to a monastery so bad and not talk for a half of a year.

Lucifer You want to run aways from changing again?

Me eyes watering up I don`t want to do it alone. I am so tired of being alone, I run, and I run as fast as I want. I see such incredible and amazing things. Sunsets, sunrises, I go to the greatest nature and see the most amazing art. I go to museums, I eat food that is the most incredible, the most breathtaking food in this entire world and I am alone every time. I cook such great food and tell myself how amazing I am, how special I am, how much I would marry myself, if I could just meet myself.

Lucifer You would hate yourself.

Me What do you mean?

Lucifer  If you would meet yourself, let’s say, you as a man, you would hate yourself with your entire heart.

Me It would take a lot of work to maintain this relationship.

Lucifer It is a lot of work to be you.

God Get into writing, this is your special talent, this is where you are special. Anything else in this world does not matter, the only thing, really the only thing that should actually matter for you is your writing. Every other or your art is nice, everything else is nice but you should not care about it, everything that should matter to you is your writing.

Me That is one thing I can focus my energy on.

Lucifer You should have at least 8 more book drafts and 15 started projects.

Me That will not help with the organization.

Lucifer You have a team for that.

Me People constantly leave my team, I got the reputation that I am hard to handle.

God Because you pick the wrong people.

Me Why do I do this?

God Because you are scared of not being liked.

Lucifer Because you are scared of abandonment.

Me So I should stop being nice?

Lucifer You should stop being nice, just so they think you are nice. You should stop giving a damn about others and give one million damns about your art. Say you don`t care, say you told me this story many times, think of a new one. Say don`t treat me this way, I will throw you out of my life. Be Sherlock Holmes and find your Moriarties and Sherlocks, this world is full of people like you.

Me I wanna be Moriarty.

Lucifer No you have one talent that stops you from being the villain.

Me And that is?

Lucifer You are a hopeless romantic. You are so romantic; it makes me puke. Like literally puking in my mouth.

God Hope, what differs a hero from a villain is that the hero has hope, the hero is brave, and the villain is scared.

Me Ouch! putting my tounge to the point on my gum that was just pierced by this chip diagonally in my mouth, since I literally stuffed my face with them

Lucifer What happened?

Me I pierced my gum with a chip that was diagonally in my mouth. You guys want a chip?

God OH my god.

Wednesday, 14:04

Me I am so excited for tonight.

God Everything will be okay.

Me You want a sandwich?

God I would love a sandwich.